Living in a shitfest

Its all fucking shit.
It's shit shit shit shit shit bollocky fucking shity fuck.
It's all fucking bullshit.

I don't know what to do. Nobody knows, nobody feels it, nobody gets told no sorry you can't do that & how many times do I have to hear those words? How many times I have to just deal with it? Just move on? How many people say those words and not realize its another long line of can't do's and say it like it's no big deal!! Well it is a big deal, a very large big fucking deal. Nobody knows how draining every fucking day can be. I shall just live 50% of my life because of this shity fucking illness that stops me, believe it or not, it's not just me and my 'illness' being the problem. It's other people, that just immediately say no or you can't do that as soon as they hear the magic word. It's like poison as soon as it's said! It's not fucking rabbis! I live with this every fucking day now and today was just one too many "you can't do that".
Complete fucking bullshit.

Hmmm oh on another note, I wonder if I'm one of the few who finds the spiraling number of humans deeply nauseating and depressing. Do you? It's not like I attach much value to my life anyway, but objectively it's all exacerbated by knowing that there are 7.5 billion other stupid Janes and Joes out there, all scrambling to survive until their death. This troubles me as of now am just sitting by myself in my little cubicle, and then I only have to step outside my door to be tripping over buggies, brats and their awful mothers who consider themselves saints.

And as we all know, the more there are of something the less its value, so don't be expecting too many people to be troubling themselves over your fate, they've got other things to be doing, like scrabbling for food in the dustbin and queuing up for their ration of Soylent Green.

I live in Kuala Lumpur, and hey, by standards of the new world mega-cities KL is a village, only 1.76 million milling around its market square. I met a Japanese last week, lives in  Tokyo and 30 million people there. Thirty fucking million of humans. What fucking madness is that. One guy I was talking to told me he got only 4 days off a year, such is the struggle to survive.

So a few basic points to consider:

More people means....  

less countryside....
less solitude, more people in your face....
more demand for endless garbage and crap....                           
more work and toil needed to provide said garbage and crap so....
longer working lives so.....
more pressure on social welfare and state pension.
more morons, as people tend toward the lowest common denominator....                        
so with more people, more vulgarity and crudity.

But as the morons say: It's all good.

I mean if I weren't AN on metaphysical grounds, surely I might pause to think that any kid of mine is going to face a tougher struggle for survival than me and previous generations. But no, biology always wins. Oh well, I'm just gassing to no purpose, and not particularly eloquently, but there you are, I'm tired and there are more new people to be in awe of.
Well it's time for me to go. Cried a lot and now I'm going to have a crisp sandwich and have some time to wollow in self pity for about half an hour. Then I will just move on....as always. Just chuck it in the FUCK IT BUCKET and move on. 

Dear H EPIV

I met you at a time in my life when I had no idea who I was and what I was doing. You were patient with me, you were warm, and understanding. You asked me questions and gave me plenty of time to answer them. I tend to ramble on if given the chance, but you didn't mind, you actually liked it. Did you know what you were doing? Did you know that you were making me feel so comfortable with you and giving me a chance to learn about myself? You brought me back from a dark place and I think you are completely unaware. This is just one of the things that I love so much about you. You are honest, and kind, and loving. You took my breath away. You said you didn't expect to meet a guy like me, you didn't expect to me to be so wonderful. I hope one day I wake up and see you beside me, over and over again.

You are my raft in the rapids of life

You are my peace in the midst of strife

You are the shore to a shipwrecked soul

You are the bridge to a lifelong goal

You are the finish of an olympic run

You are the shine when there is no sun

You are a rope when I start to fall

You are my love and you are my all.

Second Chances

Do you believe in second chances for people? If so, why? If you don't, why not?

Personally for me it's very subjective. It depends on what kind of fuck up that someone did to deserve another chance. I'm not going to give another chance to Hitler just because he is sorry for killing millions of people. The Holocaust took years to get it done and did it not occurred to him that his plan is just bad in between those years? Dudeeeeee that took like a shitton of integrity and dedication and commitment to get it done, it took your conscious mind to go through with that plan. If your mind can't sense that's a bad thing, you're screwed. Geez even thinking about mass genocide is just plain evil let alone going through with it.

In general, I do believe in second chances. everybody makes mistakes...and sometimes they don't realize how much their mistake will truly affect them. Personally for me the best teacher in life is my mistakes. Only through them (yes I have that many) I learnt the valuable lesson that I still carried until this day. Do as much mistakes as you possibly could in life and learn from it but don't go jump out from a 3rd floor building so you can learn that it's a fucking stupid mistake. Take my words with a grain of salt. Might have to start using your brain there. Come on. Anyways, a lot of times, "second chances" have to do with cheating. sometimes people don't know what they truly have and it takes a big mess up to make them realize "oh my god, what was I thinking?" that's not always the case though but since you never truly know, I'd say give the person a chance. I do NOT however believe in 3 strikes you're out. Second chances? Yes, but I'll never give them a third. If you give someone a second chance and they screw up again - it means that they did not learn from their first mistake which means they won't learn from a second or third or fourth but there is no such thing as a second chance if you don't fully forgive the person for what they did. This can go with any subject - not just infidelity. 

I try not to cut what I can untie. To an extent. For example, I will NEVER date an ex (fuck all of you, I know you're reading this), but I will give ample opportunities to correct whatever would potentially make that person become an ex. Mind you, that's a fairly small scale example. If I were given the choice to hire a convict, honestly, it would depend on the interview. Each person/situation is different. There are many men/women who are incarcerated, that would not have done the crime had they been sober or not high on drugs. They sit behind bars and grieve so often for what they have done. Not only does it effect them, but they realize had they been in a normal frame of mind, this would not have taken them away from the children/family. If they could guarantee completely staying sober and never take a drink again, they would deserve a second chance. The Laws are strict, that is why we need to remember when you do the crime, you do the time. There are always two sides to every story. It depends on how close I am to the situation and the people involved.

I believe that giving someone a second chance is like giving that someone the power to correct the wrong thing that he had done. It would be unfair to hinder someone the right to be seen in another light because we are not God. To my atheist friends, a God is a very strict judgmental being. God doesn't give a fuck. God is a badass mofo. God is very sick in the head. Don't be like God. (Bruhhhh ._.). When we give someone a second chance, we should make sure that we give it to them completely for them to feel that we put trust on them. The most inhuman thing that we do often is that we give people second chances but we don't invest trust along the way, it's like the whole thing is as good as nothing. 

I do believe people can change. I know because I changed. At first it was hard for me not going to deny it. After 8 years living with drugs and alcohol I needed to change. I'm 23 years old now, I can't just live as Barney Stinson forever. I have to man up and become Ted Mosby eventually. Live is all about transformations. The journey of the transformation is what makes life...well, Life. Without it, it just plain static with same shit every single day for the rest of your life. From you're born, till you become a baby, then a toddler, a kid, a teen, a man, an elder then you will die. The journey of these transformation is Life. I've seen very few people significantly change their ways. Before I associate with anyone that has major issues that would cause me not to want to be around them, they must establish a track record of not fucking up for quite a while before I give them another chance. One of the things that has improved my quality of life significantly in the last few years is being very selective about who I associate with. If I do give someone a second chance I make it clear that there will be a probationary period and if they fuck me over just once during that time they get no more chances. It really depends on the time frame. People don't change within a couple minutes, but they might change over a couple of weeks/years. some just take longer to grow up or find their way.

Never judge someone's actions without context. Life is almost never black and white, it is full of moral grey areas. Everyone deserves a chance to better themselves. However, there are some people that for whatever reason cannot change. Allow people to try and change, but be prepared for the possibility that they won't. 

'Life is a game, you take risks on daily basis to know that life is a game. Just like a game, sometimes you can't clear a stage in just one sweep, you need to retry and keep retrying and not to repeat the mistakes that you did in the previous round for only then you may clear that stage' 

-Me

The dorky side of me lel

So if some of you guys have noticed, I haven’t been posting much or have been active as I used to be. I have gotten questions about if me and my long distance girlfriend are still together since I haven’t mentioned her for a while and I’d like to finally answer that question. The answer is yes and we have been extremely happy together. I’ve been meaning to tell, but just never got to it since I’ve been so busy with work and stuffs. So, something interesting happened to me today. It's interesting for me since I never would think that it'd happen to me. I've been asked by someone this questions ealier;

How do you know you're in love? How do you know if she’s the one? How do you know if she’s worth fighting for?

It does sound like it came from a cheesy roman lit line isn't it? That's why I'd not expect it.

Well, if when you look at her, (and I’m not even exaggerating one bit when I explain this to you) and all you can feel is butterflies and a warm tingling sensation in your heart that forces out your dorkiest smile, you’re in love with her. 
If when you talk to her, you're comfortably weird but also considerate of what you say and how you say it, expecting her reaction and appreciating her response wether it be good or bad, you’re in love with her. 
If when you seriously fuck up and she gets angry at you and doesn’t talk to you and you take things into your own hands, grow from the situation and appreciate and respect the fact that she cared enough to get so upset about it and see how she was only trying to help you, you’re in love with her. 
If you find yourself loving romantic lovey dovey cheesy music, not because it’s her favourite type, but because everytime you listen to it, it reminds you of her, you’re in love with her. 
If you stare at her while she’s not looking and appreciate just the way she breathes, talks, listens, reacts, moves and smiles, you’re in love with her. 
If you notice and find the silly quirks she has adorable, like sniffing her nose to the side when she’s upset, or leaving her mouth open just a little bit when she’s concentrated, you are in love with her.
If she stares at you not saying a word till you have to ask him why she’s staring and she says “you're so beautiful, you just make me so happy, are you my boyfriend?”, she’s the one.
If she gets worried and angry over the dumbest least life threatening situation, she’s the one.
If she calls you everynight before bed so she can fall asleep to your voice … she’s the one.
If she stayed up till 4am in the morning with you when you had a dumb anxiety attack and tries to calm you down and get you to go to sleep, she is the one.
If she tries to prove to you every way he scan that she loves you and cares about you, not caring what anyone else thinks about it, she is the one.
If she brags about you to everyone around her, she is the one.
If she shows you how to be happy and live your life the way you want, she is the FUCKING one.
If she makes time everyday to show you how much you mean to her, she’s worth fighting for.
If she makes a mistake, apologizes and grows from it in a way that allows you both to grow into something so much more, she’s worth fighting for.
If she spoils you when she’s not in the best financial state, she’s worth fighting for.
If she is in need of a hug and kiss to pull himself back together, she is worth fighting for.
If she is having a bad day and still manages to give you the best out of it that she can, she is worth fighting for.
If she struggles to give her whole heart to you because she’s afraid of what might happen in the future, you need to prove her wrong in every way and fight for her.
If she does any of these things don’t you fucking dare take any of it for granted, things could change any minute, and you could find yourself countries apart with no way of communication, and I promise you, I fucking promise you, nothing is worse than living months without your bestfriend, your favorite person, your significant other, having no idea what they could possibly be doing and hoping and praying that they miss, want, need and love you just as much as you do them.
Don’t you fucking dare take her or any of those things for granted.

 I love you. <3