Life, as of late.

Out of sheer boredom and a desire to start writing things down again I am making an attempt to blog about my futile, frivolous life. So fruitless and boring it is that i have nothing better to do than create this post. While I was browsing the internet a while ago, I came across a beautifully written sentiment the other day, and my heart connected with these words that I read: 

"There are way too many blogs and websites around that skim the surface of life... I believe 
the internet is an obfuscated lens which we hope to be seen through. It’s the staged version of 
us that we tragically spend most of our time creating."

This blogger hit the nail on the head. 

The internet and social media can be very deceiving, which is why I have tried to be uncomfortably open, 

and terribly honest when I write. I have tried to be vulnerable and real with the things that I feel, because I 
truly believe that is the only way humans can learn from one another. It is the most tender, sensitive parts of 
our heart that reach other hearts. It is from the hard and ugly in life, which develop our understanding and 
compassion. If only we saw each other and our circumstances in a more difficult kind of way. 

How wonderful would it be to talk, only to be understood? 

How wonderful would it be if compassion was always followed by honesty?

How wonderful would it be if love was given rather than our judgement? 

I am not saying we should all make an effort to air out our dirty laundry, but perhaps we shouldn't care 
so much how our lives, feelings, and thoughts are portrayed and perceived by others. 

The point I'm trying to make is this: be who you are. Own your life, and your story, and your experiences. 
They have created you, and you are insanely amazing. Your life, exactly how it is, is your personal legacy 
to the world, and I promise you, that your heart, and your spirit, perfectly unaltered and flawed and untouched, is exactly what the world needs. 

This past few weeks was, well, eventful I guess. Not even that much happened, just something big in itself. 
Finally, landed myself a job. A new kind of job. An office job. Kind of. I meant by the environment. I have 
no experience whatsoever in that position. I'd rather not to write about it. One thing that worth telling, I am 
finally from someone that had been a pain in the ass for few years now. I'm so fucking relieved that I am 
finally free from her bullshit. I know that I sounded like a jerk but this girl is a fucking nightmare. There's a lot
more sentiment than there are words to describe it.

That's all I really got right now. 

For you from your conscience self, F

If I screamed loud as i could i still don't think you'd hear me. If i could just shake scream stomp slap sleep fuck kiss love beat sense into that gorgeous head of yours. If i could just force you to understand.

I'm worth it. This is worth your time. This could be the very greatest thing of our lives. If only this would be something great and HAPPEN. I honestly do not believe anyone does, can, or will ever love you the way i do and want to.

I don't even want to ask. I hate waiting waiting and waiting never knowing. Catching little bursts here and then which only add to the reassurance that we are perfect for each other in our imperfection. No one knows either of us better than the other and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that waking up in your arms and kissing you at the end of my favorite song is where i want to be. Nothing has ever felt that real or sure to me.

It just seems like the chance has passed us by so many other times, and it feels like it's here again. Like this could really happen. The world so rarely brings chances back around again and I wish I knew what to do. I don't know where your head or heart or anything at all is, but goddamn it why cant it just be where mine is?

TIME TIME TIME. Maybe that's the solution?
I'm too impatient damn it.
Isn't two years time enough?

I know you have a lot going on and you just got out of what you considered to be the greatest thing to happen to you. I know how much that hurts. I just want to fix it by loving you more, by loving you better, the way i always have. Not wanting to change a thing and seeing you're perfect the way you are.

I just want you for my own. Exactly the way you are. You're beautiful. You're perfect. I don't want you to change a single thing for me and without a doubt , you're the one i want. For so, so long. It's not going to change or go away. I'm not giving up because i don't fucking know how. I'd love to just let this go but I've been trying to let it go, to give up, to walk the fuck away for the past few years, but you're too worth it. Nothing can change that.

"Take time to realize this all can pass you by.
Didn't I tell you?
But I can't spell it out for you.
No, it's never gonna be that simple.
No, I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realize what I just realized,
Than we'd be perfect for each other,
And we'll never find another.
Just realize what I just realized,
We'd never have to wonder,
If we missed out on each other oh.

It's not the same.
No, it's never the same,
If you don't feel it too.
If you meet me halfway,
If you would meet me halfway,
It can be the same for you. "

P/S: Sorry for the last few months. Sorry that I missed out on your birthday. Sorry that  I treated you like shit for that duration. The truth is, I'm just not ready yet. Cheers :)

Words Matter

One of my very favorite things in life are words. I love reading them, I love writing them, and I love looking at them. I love watching the way they change and the meaning I find in each change they make. I own quote books by the dozen. I found them motivational and inspiring. I have The Book of Positive Quotations that has been read hundreds of times, and marked and colored to the point of no return. 

"Sticks and stones may break my bones

but words will never hurt me."

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.

Words matter. I don't care who you are or what language you speak, words matter. Actions may speak louder than words, but to say words will never touch me is to say the way humans verbally interact and communicate is insignificant... and that simply isn't true.

I don't know what scientific correlation there is between spoken words and beating hearts - but I do know that one affects the other. If words make my heart happy, I'll be singing loud praises all day long! If hurtful words are said, that hurt will quickly find its way to my heart.

Words hold power. Martin Luther King once gave a speech entitled "I Have a Dream." Those words changed the course of human history, those words became a living legacy, those words changed the lives of millions.

What you say to others holds more weight than you realize.

Words bring color and magic into our lives. They place peace in our hearts and understanding to our minds in a way that nothing else can. Just like anything else in the world, they can be forgotten, and we need to be reminded of them often. 

One day when I own a home, words will be on display every which way you look. My walls will most definitely be lined with books and most likely something just like this.

Tom Stoppard says, 
"I don't think writers are sacred, 
but words are. They deserve respect.
 If you get the right ones in the right order, 
you can nudge the world a little...” 

To Tom Stoppard:

Consider my world nudged.