This is it.

Back in the shitfest again.

Fuck the sad piece of shit that is me.

Fuck his inability to do anything except for waste time, money, mental effort, and fuck up other people's live.

I am a fucking worthless sack of shit.

Ever have a life event that kind of smacks you upside the head and makes you realize you were REALLY wrong about a certain way you viewed something? Have you ever felt like you don't know what the fuck's going on anymore. Like you don't care about anything anymore. You've lost motivation to do anything. Your mind is set on too fucking way many things that you're confused about your feelings, and you can't explain how you feel either. The feeling of emptiness, and feeling that barely anyone is there for you. Feeling that no one understands you anymore. And it seems like there is nothing to look forward to anymore.

And fuck no, I'm not speaking of the typical, romanticized fucking emo version of this. I really do feel like there's no one out there like me, that has the same thought processes as me, and way of seeing this world, like I'm alone in this fucking world, surrounded by people that are different than me in every way. People around you don't think any of the same things, some may even think a lot dumber than you or sometimes things not of this world or something different like that. I either have to be around people that are just, kind of  fucking ignorant, or people that are always talking about who's dating who kinda bullshit stuffs like that. FML. None of which are ever feeling lonely themselves. There are not a lot of people that have the same thought processes, while it would be great to meet more and more, they are hard to find so sometimes we just have to deal with having friends that think differently but also need people that they know you can listen to them but at the same time they can listen to you and what you might have to say. Well there are some but most of them are just fucking imbeciles to listen too. Its like I'm the sun orbiting the world, but no one seems to pay attention to me. Its like no matter how hard I try to talk to my friends, these bunch of assholes just doesn't get what I'm trying to say. I feel lost still, wondering who the hell else feels what I feel? Grrrrr.....

Let me ask you this. When you are parked at a red light and see traffic buzzing by, have you ever felt the urge to let go of brake and drift into on coming traffic?. Even more so when you are at a train crossing, you see the train coming and you feel your self letting of that brake bad and slowly drifting into the on coming train path? I have, I have been into number of those situations when I was done and out, feeling like I had nothing to live for. That just the thought of having to live for another couple years of this damned hell was a thought worse then death for me. I kept finding my self trying to commit suicide with out even realizing it. It was a crazy thought. I don't know, Maybe I just too high most of these times.

I never wanted to die, but at the same time, I couldn't think of a way out of it. It was like I was already dead, and that my soul has not yet left my body. I felt like a walking corpse. All around me was happiness. Yet I could feel none of it. I kept thinking, how is everyone happy, but yet I feel empty inside. While same time I kept seeing things that didn't exist anymore. It was like the anime Death Book. There as this shadow that followed me every where. It wasn't dependent on the light source it was always there. It fucking followed me everywhere. I fought not to talk to it or listen to anything that it says, but it was so fucking damn hard not to. I used to sleep as much as I could, because atleast then, I didn't have the urges to end my life. Because deep down in side I knew that I couldn't trust my self not to kill my self. But now, I feels like this is it. There are nothing in this life can excite me anymore. I am trapped, for ever sinking in this fucking dark pit. With no way out, I didn't know what way to swim for every way was just darkness that consumed me, that filled me with sadness. I'm so fucking done with this damned cursed place. Ohhhh how I want to do it so fucking bad. To go against what was natural. To say "fuck you" too 2 billions years of evolution. Since I've begun feeling like this, I've shut myself away from everything that I fucking could. I didn't want to poison anyone else with these awful feelings and they all just assumed I was doing my own thing so these thoughts have been left unspoken until now. I don't even want help anymore I just want to die a death that I didn't directly cause. Something like a car crash or an unfortunate construction accident, a freak flu that causes people to drop dead. I repeat just to emphasize, I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die. Please just let me die in peace.

I miss you, Mel. So fucking damn much. I wish you're here with me. I can’t say it has been easy learning to live without you because it is not. I really need your pep talks. I need those pep talks like the star needs the sky. Why did you have to left me rot in this fucking damned world all alone. I went to your resting place today hoping that you could kick the sense out of  fucking my head. There's a void in my life that only you could fill. You brought me joy and adventure for seven years of friendship. Seven magical years filled with fun, heartbreaks and so much more. I will never have what we had together with anyone else. Even though one day I will have friendships that eclipse the duration of ours, maybe if I don't die in the next 24 hours or so but no one else can precede my earliest memories like you do. I can relate to other people who grew up with divorced parents, but you and I went through that together. Losing you left me with a phantom limb of our shared childhood. It pains me to admit that I think about you more now than I did when you were alive. I stare into your negative space and fear that one day I will go twenty-four hours without pausing to remember you. As the sound of your voice grows more distant, leaving parts of you behind seems inevitable. I no longer remember all the steps to our secret handshake.Oh Melllll.....I really need you. I really need a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Yours are the best that there is or was whatever.

I don't know what to say or do anymore. I am so lost. I don't know a crap shit anymore. I just want to disappear off the face of the earth. I feel so fucked up, so depressed, so useless and I just want to go to sleep while listening to Claire de Lune and not to wake up ever again. I swear this beautifully piece of melody would be the end of me. Life is merely a social construct. With the average human lifespan being roughly 70, you only have to endure another 50 years of excruciatingly unforgivable pain. Everything is temporary. your life does not matter, and these people do not matter. Everything is is temporary. Everything will eventually rot away. As long as the factor of time continues to be the apex predator of the universe, the inevitable decay of all pain and memory is unstoppable. In fact, I could stop the pain at this very moment by slitting my wrists open and just watch as my world getting grayless and fade. The world is a lie. Existence is a lie. There is only pain and darkness beyond this point. End it now, while you still can. I love you.

I'd become the most weird weirdos in the history of weirdos if it means that I can get to you

Pretty much sums up how I feel right here in this very moment.

For those of you who have never been in a long distance relationship, trust me, it fucking sucks. Its suck-ness ranks somewhere between 'drinking an orange juice right after brushing your teeth' and 'rubbing your eyes right after cutting an onion.' Yes, it is truly do fucking sucks. I wanna hug you. So fucking terribly bad but unless some freaky physics genius invents a way to transfer body heat between two people separated by oceans, we're stuck with giving a cyber hug that's cute and all but doesn't accomplish any shit in satisfying our sexual urge. At least not for me. Sighhhhhh....

Is it weird that I find my eyes secretly inching towards you in the crowd? 

Is it even weirder that somehow I manage to find you without fail? It's like you got put in a 1950's television where everything is black and white while you are gleaming with your colorful clothes and cheerful expression. 

Is it weird that I forget what else my smart phones can do when you're busy?

Is it even weirder that I had this micro urge to duct tape your phone to your hand so you can always reply to my texts? (I know that I'm probably starting to sound like a fucking creep, but in my defense it was only a really small urge.)

Is it weird that I find myself checking my phone every 30 seconds hoping for a notification?

Is it even weirder that every time my phone vibrates, I immediately turn into a fucking cheetah and grab my phone in the speed of light? If Pavlov was still alive, he probably could redo his experiment with me and a vibrating phone instead of a dog and a bell.

Is it weird that I can probably watch a two-hours-documentary-movie about you and probably be too busy to go to a restroom for even once?

Is it even weirder that I live in a constant fear of unconsciously spouting something that I only learned from stalking you online?

Is it weird that I get this irresistible urge to pinch your cheek every time you smile?

Is it weird that I want to play with your hair every time you flip it?

Is it weird that I get butterflies in my stomach every time I see you?

Is it weird that I grin like a retard every time I hear your name?

Is it weird that I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day just so I can have more time talking to you?

Is it even weirder that I wish humans didn't need to sleep so I can have like 8 extra hours to talk to you?

Ever since I met you, I feel weird. But then again, if this is what being weird means, I wouldn't mind being the weirdest person on Earth.

I love you.

You're my beginning and You're my end.

Baby,

A girl like you are hard to find, but I'm glad I did. It honestly feels like I've known you forever. I think I knew from the start that I would fall in love with you. That's why I try to keep the distance between us because I know within myself that I could not work this kind of relationship. But now, you're like my oxygen. One custom made oxygen that only for me. I love you more than you'll ever know. You're all that I need. I would do anything for you. I'm in love with you and nothing could make me stop loving you. I'm always thinking of you. Even in my sleep. You're always on my mind. You truly mean the world to me. I don't say I love you because I have to. I say it because I want to. I would stay up just to talk to you. There are no words to describe how I feel about you. I don't care if you think I can do better because I want you! I've loved girls before, but never have I been in love. At least not like this. Not until I met you. Just the thought of hurting you hurts me. If I was on an island for a year and I could only take 1 thing, of course it would be you. The reason I deny you to cry over me isn't because I don't believe you. It's because I can't stand the thought of you crying. No matter what happens, I will never let anything come in between us. All the bad things we go through are worth it, as long as I'm still with you. You are my entire world, my very reason to live and because the way you make me feel, to you my heart I give. You're my everything baby, and I love you with everything I got. You're the stars to my universe, the waves to my ocean, the life of my party! So please, don't make me the past or a memory...I want to be with you forever. I know we met on some game but it's like Ned Sheridan song that you loved so much this past few days (Muahaha we both know who this is :P) goes;

"People fall in love in mysterious ways"

You're like a four leaf clover, it took me forever to find you, because you're so rare. But when I did, I became the luckiest man alive. I love you, I miss you. Elem. Mwahhhhh :*

You're my Holy Grail

It is the time of the day/night I dread the fucking MOST!! The time when most of the world is sleeping and I haven’t quite fallen to ‘nap’ yet & my mind is going a MILLION miles a second with a billion more thoughts swirling just as fast. THOUGHTS, crazy, these fucking disturbed thoughts. I am trying to be Mr. Positive. I really am. I am trying to just absorb your LOVE and ignore the voices in my head that are hissing warnings at me. I really fucking am! But it’s just so fucking damn hard. I was trying to explain it today, the fear and anxiety that I am experiencing but it is so difficult to put into words. I KNOW NOW what if feels like to lose you. Before I just THOUGHT I knew what it would feel like but NOW, I know, and it is a GAZILLION times worse than I ever imagined it to be, and I am allowing the FEAR to take over.

And I’m scared. I’m scared that this fucking damned evil beast is going to ruin EVERYthing with you. I’m scared that FEAR is going to convince me that ‘US’ isn’t worth the pain and hurt again. I think he is winning at this point anyway. When we’re together now I feel like I am stand-offish and that you feel that and that it’s going to push you away. That’s what FEAR wants, and I’m starting to think that maybe Fear is right, that I should just stop here while I’m still so broken and not yet healed. That if the tiny bit of healing that has happened would hurt less if it was ripped apart now before it has the chance to fully adhere to you & love you again. I have a lot to say to you. I haven’t been able to really write since I have been down. I will try to get all this out later or maybe even in the wee hours since I haven’t been sleeping well. I miss you. I think of you often. I am trying to believe. I wish it was easier. I don’t even remember what the tingle is like. That makes me sad. I miss the tingle too. 

I hope you haven’t given up on me yet. I need to believe. I need to feel the love. Thank you for your messages they really do help. I read them when things get really dark. I am going to try to get some snuggle time in. I hope you are sleeping better than me.

I’m ending this now before it gets too dark even for me. . .

I love YOU, despite all my insecurities, I truly do LOVE YOU.

Dear H EPIII

Baby,

So you are sleeping right now, and I thought that I would leave you a little note on here to wake up too. Baby you are so so so damn wonderful. You have such a caring heart. How much your family and your friends mean to you, it is so amazing. You carry so much weight on your shoulders and almost never slip up, it is crazy. You honestly are one of the strongest people I have ever met. I am so happy that I have met you. I am so happy to be dating you. I feel so proud to call you my girlfriend. I’m pretty sure my friends are annoyed with how much I talk about you, but I don’t care. I love it, I love you.  You make me so happy. You have shown me how to believe in myself. You have shown me that people do care for me. You have shown me my strength, that I was losing sight of. You have made me a happier person. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t smile because of you. Thank you so much for all you have done for me baby. I would do anything to be with you right now, and I know that it isn’t possible right now. But the distance won’t break us. It doesn’t matter to me. You matter to me. And you are worth every mile that we are apart. It’s you and me baby, forever till infinity, through thick and thin <3 I love you my super kawaii ninja!

Yours and always forever be yours,

Jiraiya :P

P/S: SWT! --'

I can't get over this shit

Girl : Do i ever cross your mind?
Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy : No
Girl: Would you cry if i left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No way
Girl: What would you choose, your life or me?
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and in pain, and the boy runs after her, and tells her ...
The reason why you never cross my mind is because your always on my mind. The reason why i don't like you is because I love you. The reason why I don't want you is because I need you. The reason why I wont cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason why I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do anything is because I`d do everything for you. The reason why I chose my life is because you are my life.

That's what you made me feel every single fucking seconds. I’m starting to block out EVERYone and everything. I can’t go even a few minutes without my thoughts wondering to you, and to top it all off, EVERYthing reminds me of you. I can't fucking do this anymore. Arghhhhh I’m so fucking tired. I don't know what to do. I am so completely, deeply, madly, undeniably and eternally in love with you and it scares the fuck outta me. So fucking damn much. I keep trying to pretend that I’m not but I can feel it pulsing through my veins when I look at you. I can feel it tingling in my fingertips when I think of you. I can feel it violently vibrating through my bones when I hear you voice. I have always loved you but I never knew it to be this intense until I realized I can’t have you. I am deeply sorry that I’m so annoyingly complicated, I don’t deserve to even know somebody as astonishing as you but oh my Gawd I’m so glad I do. I’m a chaotic fire while you’re a calming sea. I love the parts that you like and other parts that you hate and little shady you and equally angelic little good girl you and the person you are around your family and the person you are with me and the parts I am helplessly in love with and even the parts that make me want to strangle you sometimes.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???? FUCKFUCKFUCK

I miss you everyday. So so so much.Ughhh I hate this long distance relationship. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate the fact that I love you so fucking damn much. I am not prepared for this. Nothing in life has prepared me for this. Nothing in my previous relationships has prepared me for this. My love language is physical touch. From having cuddles and kisses on my hands to none is really hard for me. OHHHH it's so damn hard. I wish you were right here beside me. I wish I could hold your hand. I wish i could kiss your lips. Snuggled up with you just ‘doing us’ while enjoying this thing called life. I wish it wasn’t over.

However, this ‘US’ I am speaking of I FEAR won’t last. Actually, I’m convinced it won’t because of the circumstances we are BOTH dealing with at this time in our lives. I’m trying to remind myself that YOU are worth it. That WE are worth it. I’m just finding it harder to BELIEVE, TRUST, IMAGINE, and mostly ACCEPT. I worry also that maybe YOU won’t remember that WE are worth it. We worked so hard together as ‘US’ to make sure that we BOTH appreciated the others LOVE. and we were so fucking GOOD at it. We really were, we were soooooo good at being in LOVE. You made me a better me, a happier me. I miss that so much. I know deep down that I BELIEVE in love. I know that with time I will open up and be more accepting and less skeptical, at least I hope these things. I wish them to be true. You tell me EVERY chance you can that you Miss me, think of me, love me, want me, Oh yea…. you want me…. Now, THAT brings a smile to my face and warms my heart. You have been sooooOOOOooooooooooooo LOVING to me. You make me smile. You make me laugh, actually laugh, not that funny ha ha bullshit laugh I have been giving EVERYone for so long now, BUT the full on, from the pit of your tummy LAUGH. And I’m so scared of losing you that I cannot fully appreciate all of these things.Thank you for being one of the greatest things that came into my life. Thank you for teaching me so much about myself. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I can never hate you because I know that everything you did was out of love. 

Anyway, baby, I know you won’t see this until tomorrow morning (your morning :*), and I know we’ll both be so embarrassed reading back on it, but I know it’s just one of those nights we’d both like to remember and reflect upon. I don’t like divulging extremely detailed and private areas of our life like this but.. well, to the fucking hell with it. I just want to be able to scroll through my blog, read this, and smile. I’m one of the luckiest person in the world, and this past month has been spectacularly unbelievable. Never in my dreams did I think I would have–or even deserve–an utterly sweet, kind, and selfless being like you. From the little things you do to the grand gestures, I’m grateful for every second we’ve spent together and I can honestly say that you were the change and the fire, the light that I needed in my life, and I hope that I brought just as much happiness into yours. You inspire me to be better in every way, every day, and you will always continue to be, above all, the best friend I’ve ever had. I adore you

P/S:

I wrote a poem last night from my phone but the dumb thing got erased. I’m quite pissed actually. Im still wide awake and hating life right now. I will just say I love you, I miss you, I’m trying to believe in US, I promise. Please don’t give up on me yet. I love you so much Elem :*

Pillow talks

Staying up all night talking to that someone. Asking that what are you doing question every five minutes. Just hearing the other person breathe when it’s quiet. Playing 21 questions & sharing secrets. Ah, i miss that.

And even when you know you’re tired as hell, but you don’t want to get off the phone or messenger so you fall asleep hoping the other one falls asleep too — are you tired? do you want me to let you go? just lemme know & they reply nooo it’s okay, I’m not tired, but you can hear it in their voice or even see from the text character. Haha. Oh and especially when the word baby comes into play & you just automatically get those butterflies in your tummy when they call you that.

Hmm. I honestly think that’s the best part of a relationship ever — the start. Because you’re happy. There’s no fighting, just flat out happiness.

Dear H EPll

Underneath the crescent moon
Underneath the zillion of stars
Here's a little heart
For you
Up above the world
Up above it all
Here's a hand to hold on to

But if I should break
If I should fall away
What am I to do
I need someone to take
A little of the weight

Or I will fall through

You are just the one that I have been waiting for
I will give you all that I have to give and more
But don't let me fall

Take a little time
Walk a little line
Got the balance right

Give a little love
Gimme just enough
So that I can hang on tight

We will be alright
I will be by your side
I won't let you down
But i gotta know
No matter how things go
That you will be around.

No one likes a boring bitch...

...but I am one and I don't give an ounce of fuck! Hey you! (I don't know why but somehow my blog spiked in the last few days) Sorry about the long ass break I had from this, but I kind of lost my way with it for a while. I didn't see the benefit from it anymore, it wasn't getting me any where. And plus life happened, and this just didn't seem important for the time being. I've had a few things running around in my brain so thought it was time to get some of them written down, well on here I mean.

So here's something I have been thinking about. Do you know what I get excited about? Finding Dr Seuss book pages that I can frame and put in my future house (I sounds like Ted Mosby). I also get excited about fresh bed sheets and a good nights sleep.

I get super excited for stupid shits, and maybe that's just me.

But do you know what I don't get excited about? Night's out. That Doc Marten's that kill my feet for days after and make me walk like I have shat myself. I don't get excited about drinking vodka even though I HATE VODKA, but you drink it because it's cheap and it's easy to shout across the bar..

I have come to realize somewhere between 22 and now, that the night's out just weren't worth the hangovers anymore. I know what some of you are thinking, boring little bitch. And I'm not sitting here naively saying I will never again have one drink too many, or I am never going on a night out ever again. That's not the point I'm making. I definitely still will and I'm sure I'll have fun along the way. 

But now I take "live for the weekend" in a different sense. I like walking round parks, I like finding funny pics on the net and lol'd myelf to death while I'm at it. I like pretending I'm going to exercise and then never doing it. I like going round a friend's house for a cup of choc and two bottles of cheap wine later we are playing just dance. (I miss you --') 

This friend of mine, knows me quite well, actually most of them. I think they're amazing, and value their opinion. Sometimes I do think I kind of live my life through my friends, I get so proud of their achievements, and kind of forget my own, and almost down play them. I don't give myself credit when credit is due. But then again the achievements have been few and far between at the minute. I have things in the pipeline, that hopefully will become more concrete in the not so distant future. But I don't want to jinx things.

I can't wait for my friends to get married, I like talking about mortgages and vegetable patches, I like seeing the potential in a piece of furniture and finding stuff for a DIY project. I like going to coffee shops, I like not swimming on a weekly basis...that's a lie, I'm now just too lazy to do it all the time.

I love the fact that I enjoy my job (partially), have a passion for my work (sometimes, like 2 out 5 days of the week), and can see a future in it, a progression. It is somewhat like a second home, so thank god I enjoy it.

I like being "boring" I like being old, I enjoyed my past, I had an absolute blast, but now it is time for a new type of fun... like trying different types of gin and being able to tell the difference! And luckily that is how I spent my last friday night, a meal out and a trip to the pub. On the the other hand,  I can't deny that I now am so into someone, that is sweet but it's just to early to say that I am in love although I almost forget how it feels; to be falling in love and to be loved back. I ended my last relationship over 2 months ago or so. Hmm, cant say that's a long time to feels so alone, but in a time like this, like now, i need someone to care from me. I need her to care for me. So the next post will be about her.

Dear H,

Oh, well, in five years time we could be walking round the zoo
With the sun shining down in every me and you
And there’ll be love in the bodies of the elephants tool
I’ll put my hands of your eyes, but you pick through

And there’ll be sun, sun, sun
All over our bodies.
And sun, sun, sun
I’ll die in next
There’ll be sun, sun, sun
All over our faces
And sun, sun, sun
So, what the hell
 
Because I’ll be laughing around your silly little jokes
And we’ll be laughing about how we use to smoke
All those stupid little cigarettes and drinks to put wine
Because it’s what we need to have good times

But it was fun, fun, fun
When we were drinking.
It was fun, fun, fun
When we were drunk
And it was fun, fun, fun
When we were laughing
It was fun, fun, fun
Oh, it was fun.

Oh, well, I look while you’re saying: “it’s the happiest that I’ve ever been”
And I’ll say: “I love to feel that i have to be James Dean”
And you say: “yeah, and I feel a pretty happy too, and I’m always pretty happy when I’m just thinking about with you”

And will be love, love, love
Love throughout our bodies.
Love, love, love
All throughout our minds
And will be love, love, love
All over her face
And love, love, love
All over our minds.

And I’ll remember all these moments suggesting my head
I’ll be thinking about then and there’s lying in bed
And I know that you believe that might not keeping come through
But in my mind I’m having a pretty time with you

Five years time
I might not know it
Five years time
We might not speak
And five years time
We might not care about
Five years time
We might to prove it along

Oh, there’ll be love, love, love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love, love, love