You're my Holy Grail

It is the time of the day/night I dread the fucking MOST!! The time when most of the world is sleeping and I haven’t quite fallen to ‘nap’ yet & my mind is going a MILLION miles a second with a billion more thoughts swirling just as fast. THOUGHTS, crazy, these fucking disturbed thoughts. I am trying to be Mr. Positive. I really am. I am trying to just absorb your LOVE and ignore the voices in my head that are hissing warnings at me. I really fucking am! But it’s just so fucking damn hard. I was trying to explain it today, the fear and anxiety that I am experiencing but it is so difficult to put into words. I KNOW NOW what if feels like to lose you. Before I just THOUGHT I knew what it would feel like but NOW, I know, and it is a GAZILLION times worse than I ever imagined it to be, and I am allowing the FEAR to take over.

And I’m scared. I’m scared that this fucking damned evil beast is going to ruin EVERYthing with you. I’m scared that FEAR is going to convince me that ‘US’ isn’t worth the pain and hurt again. I think he is winning at this point anyway. When we’re together now I feel like I am stand-offish and that you feel that and that it’s going to push you away. That’s what FEAR wants, and I’m starting to think that maybe Fear is right, that I should just stop here while I’m still so broken and not yet healed. That if the tiny bit of healing that has happened would hurt less if it was ripped apart now before it has the chance to fully adhere to you & love you again. I have a lot to say to you. I haven’t been able to really write since I have been down. I will try to get all this out later or maybe even in the wee hours since I haven’t been sleeping well. I miss you. I think of you often. I am trying to believe. I wish it was easier. I don’t even remember what the tingle is like. That makes me sad. I miss the tingle too. 

I hope you haven’t given up on me yet. I need to believe. I need to feel the love. Thank you for your messages they really do help. I read them when things get really dark. I am going to try to get some snuggle time in. I hope you are sleeping better than me.

I’m ending this now before it gets too dark even for me. . .

I love YOU, despite all my insecurities, I truly do LOVE YOU.