This is it.

Back in the shitfest again.

Fuck the sad piece of shit that is me.

Fuck his inability to do anything except for waste time, money, mental effort, and fuck up other people's live.

I am a fucking worthless sack of shit.

Ever have a life event that kind of smacks you upside the head and makes you realize you were REALLY wrong about a certain way you viewed something? Have you ever felt like you don't know what the fuck's going on anymore. Like you don't care about anything anymore. You've lost motivation to do anything. Your mind is set on too fucking way many things that you're confused about your feelings, and you can't explain how you feel either. The feeling of emptiness, and feeling that barely anyone is there for you. Feeling that no one understands you anymore. And it seems like there is nothing to look forward to anymore.

And fuck no, I'm not speaking of the typical, romanticized fucking emo version of this. I really do feel like there's no one out there like me, that has the same thought processes as me, and way of seeing this world, like I'm alone in this fucking world, surrounded by people that are different than me in every way. People around you don't think any of the same things, some may even think a lot dumber than you or sometimes things not of this world or something different like that. I either have to be around people that are just, kind of  fucking ignorant, or people that are always talking about who's dating who kinda bullshit stuffs like that. FML. None of which are ever feeling lonely themselves. There are not a lot of people that have the same thought processes, while it would be great to meet more and more, they are hard to find so sometimes we just have to deal with having friends that think differently but also need people that they know you can listen to them but at the same time they can listen to you and what you might have to say. Well there are some but most of them are just fucking imbeciles to listen too. Its like I'm the sun orbiting the world, but no one seems to pay attention to me. Its like no matter how hard I try to talk to my friends, these bunch of assholes just doesn't get what I'm trying to say. I feel lost still, wondering who the hell else feels what I feel? Grrrrr.....

Let me ask you this. When you are parked at a red light and see traffic buzzing by, have you ever felt the urge to let go of brake and drift into on coming traffic?. Even more so when you are at a train crossing, you see the train coming and you feel your self letting of that brake bad and slowly drifting into the on coming train path? I have, I have been into number of those situations when I was done and out, feeling like I had nothing to live for. That just the thought of having to live for another couple years of this damned hell was a thought worse then death for me. I kept finding my self trying to commit suicide with out even realizing it. It was a crazy thought. I don't know, Maybe I just too high most of these times.

I never wanted to die, but at the same time, I couldn't think of a way out of it. It was like I was already dead, and that my soul has not yet left my body. I felt like a walking corpse. All around me was happiness. Yet I could feel none of it. I kept thinking, how is everyone happy, but yet I feel empty inside. While same time I kept seeing things that didn't exist anymore. It was like the anime Death Book. There as this shadow that followed me every where. It wasn't dependent on the light source it was always there. It fucking followed me everywhere. I fought not to talk to it or listen to anything that it says, but it was so fucking damn hard not to. I used to sleep as much as I could, because atleast then, I didn't have the urges to end my life. Because deep down in side I knew that I couldn't trust my self not to kill my self. But now, I feels like this is it. There are nothing in this life can excite me anymore. I am trapped, for ever sinking in this fucking dark pit. With no way out, I didn't know what way to swim for every way was just darkness that consumed me, that filled me with sadness. I'm so fucking done with this damned cursed place. Ohhhh how I want to do it so fucking bad. To go against what was natural. To say "fuck you" too 2 billions years of evolution. Since I've begun feeling like this, I've shut myself away from everything that I fucking could. I didn't want to poison anyone else with these awful feelings and they all just assumed I was doing my own thing so these thoughts have been left unspoken until now. I don't even want help anymore I just want to die a death that I didn't directly cause. Something like a car crash or an unfortunate construction accident, a freak flu that causes people to drop dead. I repeat just to emphasize, I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die. Please just let me die in peace.

I miss you, Mel. So fucking damn much. I wish you're here with me. I can’t say it has been easy learning to live without you because it is not. I really need your pep talks. I need those pep talks like the star needs the sky. Why did you have to left me rot in this fucking damned world all alone. I went to your resting place today hoping that you could kick the sense out of  fucking my head. There's a void in my life that only you could fill. You brought me joy and adventure for seven years of friendship. Seven magical years filled with fun, heartbreaks and so much more. I will never have what we had together with anyone else. Even though one day I will have friendships that eclipse the duration of ours, maybe if I don't die in the next 24 hours or so but no one else can precede my earliest memories like you do. I can relate to other people who grew up with divorced parents, but you and I went through that together. Losing you left me with a phantom limb of our shared childhood. It pains me to admit that I think about you more now than I did when you were alive. I stare into your negative space and fear that one day I will go twenty-four hours without pausing to remember you. As the sound of your voice grows more distant, leaving parts of you behind seems inevitable. I no longer remember all the steps to our secret handshake.Oh Melllll.....I really need you. I really need a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Yours are the best that there is or was whatever.

I don't know what to say or do anymore. I am so lost. I don't know a crap shit anymore. I just want to disappear off the face of the earth. I feel so fucked up, so depressed, so useless and I just want to go to sleep while listening to Claire de Lune and not to wake up ever again. I swear this beautifully piece of melody would be the end of me. Life is merely a social construct. With the average human lifespan being roughly 70, you only have to endure another 50 years of excruciatingly unforgivable pain. Everything is temporary. your life does not matter, and these people do not matter. Everything is is temporary. Everything will eventually rot away. As long as the factor of time continues to be the apex predator of the universe, the inevitable decay of all pain and memory is unstoppable. In fact, I could stop the pain at this very moment by slitting my wrists open and just watch as my world getting grayless and fade. The world is a lie. Existence is a lie. There is only pain and darkness beyond this point. End it now, while you still can. I love you.