Living like a Zombie

I just hate myself. I've always never taken everything seriously, and I've always somehow got by, but now I'm just realizing how much a screw up. I really am. I realize that I'm alone as people are out with their friends, and I realize how hard it is to talk to people because of my shyness. I realize everyone thinks of me as an outcast, and I just... I just realized now those things. I've always somehow known but now I feel trapped in this body which has so many things wrong with it. Now, even when I am out with my friends, I have nothing to say. I just want to yell at the world, to God or whatever is out there if he is or is just a figment of my imagination, and to my parents, and my whole existence. I just realized I have no real meaning, and an embarrassment to the whole society of humanity. I honestly feel that I have no purpose in this life. 

I know I sounded ungrateful. There are some of my friends that tried to cheer me up. They said to set a goal in life. Have as much fun as possible. Choose to continue to be alive and might as well try to enjoy my life. That's a problem for me. For me, pretending to be happy and yet really being miserable isn't living a life. Life is suppose to be bright and happy, not this. Life is suppose to be that glimpse moment at the end of your life where you realize you don't want to die. Right now, in this thing of breathing yet no hope, I have urges to let go and really be the undead. I of course don't want to miss any of my friend's upcoming birthdays, so I'll just try to live for another week or something. There is nothing that I had learnt throughout my life that have prepared myself for this moment. 

Yes, I know LIFE is more than be born and die. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. I keep saying that to myself, but I just think that I had enough of Life. I have lived out my life. I have grabbed all I could grab. Now I need to fall. Probably there are more to grab. I probably could. I just think I don't want to. There is always a reason to live, to breathe, to be happy, and I probably could find all those things but I think I don't want to anymore. I bet if I got up off my couch and walked out the door, I could find a million pieces of hope, inspiration, and wanting to breathe but I don't think I desire life anymore, and its crazy journeys. I just am on the edge of insanity, sadness and being alive.

Happiness, it is said, is seldom found by those who seek it, and never by those who seek it for themselves. To those who found happiness or a purpose in life, good for you. This is coming from a kid with many dark moods, going to school, in a small dorm of darkness, and really having no idea what to do with himself, his feelings, his talents, his flaws, and who he really is. Its good you've planned everything and really know what your going to do in life. Me on the other time uh... its a mystery worth knowing yet may never truly know. To me, I will always be a mystery, and my direction will always never be clear.

I'm really stupid today, but that doesn't make these any less nonsense. Am I high right now? I'm beginning to think people around me are messing with me, but truth is I'm really tired to care. You might think that I'm writing horsehit and probably going through a phase or whatever. Please don't want to hear more. I've messed up like ninety percent on this post, I can do this all day. Okay, now I bet I'm high. High on acid, of life. It is not really my intention to bringing any negativity thoughts in this post. I'm just expressing my feelings and thoughts, makes me feel like I'm in control of my self-mind. I couldn't afford to be in an office and sit on fancy chair while telling all my problems to some old guy. Okay, let close things off shall we? And before that;

O Death! 

Beautiful yet misunderstood being,

Come forth, take my soul and lead me to down below,

For I am fully aware where I'll be heading for this,

I have no regrets whatsoever on things I've done,

Let those be memories to my loved ones,

Cause I'm always going to be yours for Eternity.

Just for fun. An odd way kind of fun.

So, here is a weird question that is hopefully a bit more fun than the stupid attempted religious debate flaming all over the world:

If you had a hot brother or sister, and you were younger (put yourself around age 18-21) and they came onto you, like really came on, what would you do? Be HONEST, because honesty is fun.

Yes I know it's incest but my friends were always saying that my sister was hot, but I never saw it. She never came on to me, but chances are I would steal all her bears and never come home again. That's... gross. 

Honestly I don't understand how anyone can be sexually attracted to someone they were raised with. I do understand if you've met later in life. There really are genetic components to preferences. Llikes and dislikes if you prefer. You're more likely to mesh with someone related to you. But people you were raised with? Even cousins you've been acquainted with your entire life fall into that category. I have friends that I've known forever that share that same umbrella. I have some female friends I've known forever who I never really had a strong attraction to, even though they're very pretty. They're kinda like sisters. Sisters I've seen puke about a hundred times.

But there are exceptions. One, the gender difference. I don't know how women view this sort of thing. Personally for me, as a men, for the most part I don't view things like that. For an instance, I once grew up with a girl who was really nasty (she would dig up her butt and smell it), she moved away during our preteen years. A few years later, we came across each other and she had blossomed! She had blossomed to the point where I totally forgot all the vile shit she did as a child. In fact, I'm just having memories of her doing it because of how attractive she became.

Now, back to the subject at hand. Incest. Putting a relation into relationship. Seriously, I don't think I would ever have the mental prowess to overcome my revulsion to the idea. If that floats your boat, fine. I'll just sit over here puking in the corner. Ew. It does amaze me how people just thought this was normal at one time....and some people today as well. There are some thing are too gross to accept. On the other hand in reality, gross things people do seem to have no limits. I mean I'm a weirdo myself. I do have weird fetishes. But boning my siblings not one of them. What an utterly gross subject. I wonder what goes through the minds of the overly horny men right before they plow their sister. Well, at least there wasn't a man who plowed his mother. Thank god for that. These are just my 2 cents worth of rants. Let me know what's your perspective on it. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

Immortality

The woods decay, the woods decay and fall,

The vapours weep their burthen to the ground,

Man comes and tills the field and lies beneath,

And after many a summer dies the swan.

Me only cruel immortality

Consumes; I wither slowly in thine arms,

Here at the quiet limit of the world...

Tithonus by Alfred Lord Tennyson. This poem, which goes on at some length about the horrors of living forever put me off the idea of immortality when I read it. People like to live forever. To be an Immortal being. I would rather die. We tend to think of death as something apart from life but it is a natural cessation of most things, unless you're a jelly fish or cancer cell. I'm pretty sure that I'm neither one (had a good check in the mirror) and I don't want to live forever. I'm happy to die when the time comes, which will be of my own choosing because I refuse to hang around after my health fails and I reach the "lean and slipper'd pantaloon" of the sixth age. I couldn't imagine myself being immortal. The concept of that i will never ever perish from existence. At some point I think I would get tired of living. Actually I've reached that point.

Immortality doesn't promise Utopia. Immortality with all the evils of society that are already present and can only get worse because people will stop dying. Criminals will still be criminals, the poor will still be poor (although maybe not able to afford immortality treatment), jerks will still be jerks. It just promises to exacerbate problems that society already has. Immortality is closer to being achieved scientifically, if you believe the news items, than a utopian society. I think the problems in society should be fixed first before we start promising all and sundry everlasting life. Damn, the concept of immortality is so damn depressing. Forever bound as slave to life. At least for me.  Work forever. Forever working. No retirement, no pension, no having fun spending my kids inheritance on a humorously named yacht and leaving the rest of my money to the dog! I was looking forward to these things, dammit! That sounds like a fun plan. Drifting to the end of time. 

What's there that isn't fascinating of becoming immortal? But think about it. If no one dies, and more are born, resources are going to become pretty tight, you can only turn so much land to wind farms, solar power plants, nuclear power stations etc. And fossil fuels will start to run out on account of a lot of people (who should be decently dead) still using them and a lot of people who were born after immortality was achieved, wanting their fair share too. The population of the world is pretty high as it is....7 billion. And it will probably hit over 10 billion by 2050. Imagine the figure it would reach by then if no-one died! What are we all going to eat? Each other? Where are we all going to live? How will our resources be divided? Rich first (those who can pay high prices) and the poor, undying, shoved to the sidelines. If you were immortal, you would enjoy it for at least 100 years doing whatever you want. After that, you spend your time trying to think of something else to do. Assuming you don't get crushed underneath a rock. Also all your mortal friends and family will eventually die and you'll have to be lonely forever to not deal with other's death. Then you'll be thinking about how painful it is and how will you escape. 

Claire de Lune, that's all I can say. And cry to. And die to. And my life to and close my eyes and listen to the music and my choking breathes. I want to die ever so badly. To hear the lasting cries as I plummet off a building. In my ears, Claire de Lune will play. Tears on my face will ever so drip, and a sensation of flying will be through my seeming less weightless body. I guess this is rather a wish, a choice which I am reluctant to make, and most of all, my end which may come. I may not do it today or tomorrow, but one day courage will come into my soul and bring me to that building. I am nothing, nothing to offer, so I'll bring this to the end where, how can I be immortal when my soon fate will end at twenty one. How can mortality be good, when personal demons never go away; that pain will just add and add. I guess this is a confession of someone which may soon be gone. Which may soon be at peace. Well these are just mere words from me. An honest opinion. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

Gamer's problems

This one is for the gamers out there. One of the best periods in a year is the Q4. The Year-End Period. Games that we've been drooling for months to own are finally going to be release. The release of these games are giving us a dilemma. Which one should be buy?Which one is better? Which one are great for the long run? Since a copy of them are pretty costly for some people including myself. I, personally had bought Far Cry 4, Assassin's Creed Rogue and Unity, GTA V, Shadow of Mordor, and Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Yes, I enjoyed all of them. They filled the emptiness inside me. Not to be a lonely sad kid, but that's the truth heh. They had received their reviews. Both good and bad. But, like I wrote in my previous post, they are just numbers. Should it be in your way for you to achieve contentment?

Okay, now I'm talking about all the games in general. As a long time gamer I will say this much, instead of immediately shaking your head while thinking of how good the games were, really think deep. A good game is like good movies or good music. If it truly is good then you can go back and play it over and over again. Yeah, those reviews are just opinion as someone born with a different standard of gaming. Anyone like myself growing up in the 90's, we were happy for any game we can get with no regard for graphics, storyline and repetitiveness, and as you all said, some of those games were firsts so that also meant nothing to compare it to. And I think we can somewhat agree that some of these games didn't live up to their predecessors. I have played enough games that my PS3 and XBOX360 is maxed out on memory for downloads and I still have my PS1, PS2, Nintendo, Sega and Atari so before accusing me of being a casual gamer as well, this is not so. What we really don't know is if we were born today, would there be any games that are we would play and love while being raised with a different standard. When games come out people were so critical so I find it funny that some can say today that all games that come out now suck when the games from before really didn't focus too much on storyline but more on repetitiveness so that you can get hooked to the game because no one will keep playing a game they absolutely suck at. In my opinion, the originals of all the games out there were amazing however I can't say that for the rest of them.

'Yes and Super Mario is repetitive, you just jump all the time! And so are all the shooter games you just shoot stuff!" That's pretty much those reviewer's logic. Yeah if you boil every game down to it's core mechanics it's gonna sound repetitive. Yes GTA is based around stealing cars and shooting cops. But it's so much more than that. GTA provides social commentary, they show what's wrong with our society through satire. And in GTA 4, Liberty City felt like a real city, the people reacted to what was going on around them. GTA 4 speaks on a bunch of crap going on in the society, it shows how dead the American Dream is. Niko, an immigrant, has to commit crime to survive. And Skyrim is about the setting, it feels like you are in a world that is evolving around you. It has several main story lines not just one. Plus, Skyrim was intentionally drab. It was supposed to be, just like the Capitol Wasteland in Fallout 3. I was like wtf when some said Skyrim was drab and all that. I mean what did you expect it to look like Miami? It's suppose to look like a northern wasteland in a lot of places. They're  located in places that are supposed to be filled with gray skies and such, with people struggling to survive. It's a big part of the environment, just like the rich colors from Cyrodiil in Oblivion and the reddish tint to everything in Fallout: New Vegas. And Halo is so much more than just a "one man army destroying the Death Star" the bad guys are religious zealots, it shows the dangers of radical religious groups you can compare the Covenant in Halo to the Taliban. Clearly some people does not understand themes and other literary elements.

Then I would have to say that some Assassin's Creeds were amazing and well one was not, too glitch and dull. Next all new Sonics, my favorite hedgehog. It is a definition of what happens when a game is successful and doesn't know when to stop. Sorry, had to. Call of Duty just because you don't get 99 dollars worth of a game and if you think you do you're crazy, for it to charge so much for bundles probably the most in history. I'm gonna need a fucking hand job with that because I know cheaper prostitutes! Dead Space 3 was great but it didn't give off the feel of unpredictability like the first and second, once I finished the game twice I knew exactly where the monsters would spawn from plus the atmosphere was not as heavy as before and the dlc was better than the game. Next Final Fantasy:Lightening Returns, I don't have to say much, just play it, Final Fantasy a realm reborn, number one they did not advertise enough for me to know what I was getting so it sucked when I realized it wasn't what I thought it was, and you had to be on your friends planet or you couldn't play together so it meant somebody had to start over, and most of all charging a subscription fee. Fuck that. I will never agree with "dlc" , I believe if I pay 60 bucks for a game, I should get 100% of the game. Not fucking 50, these games are more expensive than back when I was younger and you got 100% of the game, now the games are 30 dollars more and they hold half to keep you playing the game longer which is a dick suck move and last but not least Lil Wayne, Miley Cyrus and Justin bieber. Lil Wayne, be on your grown man shit, he ain't saying anything that I would repeat to another person as a line of wisdom, clearly living in the flame of what he was. When is the last time you heard him say something that made sense to anyone older than 21? I don't wanna hear about how rich you are, how big your dick is, or how hot your girl is. Come on! Miley Cyrus, I understand you want to be a separate entity from Disney but have some class, less is not always more and you shouldn't need a gimmick if you have talent. And Justin Bieber, identity crisis and needs to take a break from the celebrity world. He doesn't feel anchored plus I ain't buying my nieces an album of a boy talking about making love. You're young, what you know about it? Love making doesn't start in the bed, it's all the things you do outside the bed that makes sex more than a mating process. Sorry they're not a game but they belong on the top of any and every thing that should be bitching about.

Hating on games wasn't around to see the hayday of. As for many of games out there(not all) they're highly rated because they where "firsts" as in first to do something, or first to push something to a new level. It's not just the thing that I disagree with many of those reviews, but it's the reasoning behind them. It's ignorant, uninformed, biased and completely ridiculous at some titles. Then there are those 'Master Race' just blatantly abused other people in game or comment sections. Give other people a break. They may have a point. They was young and not born for some of the originals but that also means they have a fresh perspective, some of us including me are too attached to my games to admit that they are not as good as they should be by now. Well, these are just my 2 cents and rants. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

Gaming Scene

Video games have always received a bad rap. Maybe it’s because first-generation games. Pong, Space Invaders and the like were little more than time-wasters with bad graphics. But all that changed long ago. There are now countless highly sophisticated, social-based games with devoted fanbases. Video games can certainly be addictive, sometimes with tragic results, and plenty of games are criticized for extreme violence. There is also the problem of all the sitting that goes along with gaming, and the detrimental health effects. It's really pissed me off when someone start to talk about it. It belongs to a topic called bullshit. It gets on my nerves when people start blaming games for crime and other tragic behavioral issues when the problem is with the people. We have created a cult of other peoples' problems.

I kill lots of people in the Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and Fallout 3. Skinned a lot of animals in Far Cry and Assassin's Creed. Shooting random strangers, stealing cars. I play a game called Little Inferno, which, as the title suggests, all you do is set things on fire. However, I'm not a pyromaniac, I would never set anything on fire in real life. I play GTA, Watchdogs and many others, though I would never kill or harm another person, games aren't to blame, people are. Obviously these people were not right in the head in the first place, and with the case of children, the brain isn't fully developed yet and the good normally outweighs the bad. Blaming video games is awful, next they will be blaming movies. Bad parenting is what went wrong with the majority of these. It's an offensive gesture when video games game criticized for making people do bad things. Simple truth is, there are just bad people in the world, it's human nature. Yes, a video game murdered your child. I'm sure your absolute piss poor parenting job, your overall lack of supervision or involvement in your kids life had nothing to do with it. These people should be charged with abandonment of a child, incarcerated, and sterilized. If they have any children left they should be taken and given to people who actually want kids and take responsibility for them. Every single one of these could have been prevented with better parenting. This is so emblematic of today society, blaming video games for the stuff you could prevent. When i was younger, if i spent more then a few hours behind a computer my parents would yell at me to get off. It's called parenting!

There are a lot of statistics out there shows how gaming can be bad for you, this and that. Sad truth is a lot of people fell for this. I'm a human being that you can't quantify by crunching statistical numbers. Statistics are very useless. They are just numbers. Do you know what the statistics are that you'd develop Diabetis in your life time? Suffer a stroke, heart disease, dementia, cancer, etc? The statistic shows that smokers are likely to get cancers than non smokers. Well, I knew someone that has a lung cancer even though he have never touch a single cigarette in his life. Point is, one way or another you ain't going to live forever and while you're here stop burying your head in statistics and enjoy living your life. I haven't had the inclination to gun down people on the street at least not today. Personally i have played video games all throughout my life. I am now 21, I am not obese, I don't not have any anger issues and not that too remotely an anti social person. I can not see how games would have a true link the "overt aggression, gun violence, and other forms of antisocial behaviour". I find that playing games are more of a stress reliever. I know others my age would definitely agree. Obesity is not an issue with kids playing video games. I would say its more of a link between the amount of phyical activity they get at school and what their parents feed them.

I play a lot, like a lot of video games, I watch horror and action films a lot. Listen to Marilyn Manson, Ramstein and such. And have done so since I was an embryo. Metaphorically speaking.  There are plenty of people out there that play violent video games like me but I never even imagine actually imitating the things in the games, or actually harming someone to play it. I couldn't hurt a fly. Unless that little fucker pulled a gun on me. It is awful how far some people will go. I think the video game situation is the same with music. Its just the psychological process of some individuals. These people were already dysfunctional and unstable, and the games were just the catalyst that nudged them over the edge. The stories about neglect, suicide and murder were particularly sad. I love playing games, but I have not become addicted, and fortunately refrained from becoming batshit insane. I think my personal record for playing a game without stopping to take a break was 8 hours. Sucks to see people become obsessed. They could not sleep at night for fear of losing their cities and armies, and it affected their work since they did not know what they would find when they got home and could log on again. They ended up suffering from depression, losing their jobs etc.

Video games aren't as bad as people like to make you think. But I'm a little on the fence about a couple things. For eyesight, I know video games will make people more attentive and start noticing their surroundings better, even anticipate movement. But I can also attest that long periods of video gaming will temporarily mess up 3D peripheral vision for an hour or two immediately afterwards(I get nervous driving when this happens because my eyes are partially stuck in 2D near sighted mode). I believe that games like MineCraft is great for kids, especially when they realize you can do more than dig and build a house, when they start to dabble in the game's redstone circuit features, then the brain really gets a workout. I also believe that games like Call of Duty makes you dumber. Heh, that is just my opinion. Different people have different feelings towards playing video games. People should have know how to separate fantasy from reality. Just because you had lost a battle, that doesn't mean you have lose the war. I mean, games supposed to bring you fun, treat like it. These are my rants. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

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Dreaming

I was at the train station with my bestfriend, her boyfriend, my girlfriend (now ex) and her ex boyfriend. We were sitting down on the bench waiting for the train. I was sitting in the middle of my girlfriend and my bestfriend, her boyfriend was on the other side and my girlfriend's ex was on her other side. She and her ex kept flirting infront of me and she totally ignored me. My bestfriend was giving me eye contact asking me why my girlfriend and her ex were both flirting, and i had no idea why. It was awkward for me, my bestfriend and her boyfriend. All three of us were both confused why my girlfriend and her ex were both flirting. I felt like an idiot. They would just touch each other, and she even sat on his lap. It had went on for 10 minutes, then my bestfriend and her boyfriend disappeared. My girlfriend and her ex started kissing each other on the cheek and giggling and being so flirty. It was like i didn't exist in her world anymore. Then i started talking to her and flirting with her and she done the same back, her ex were giving me the evils and didn't talk. I kept flirting with my girlfriend and she paid attention to me. It changed to the centre near mine, and we were holding hands and flirting, and her ex was telling her that he was going to go meet his bestfriend and he went off quiet and all upset, and he didn't come back..then my dream ended.

Everyone dreams(even if we don’t always remember them after the fact). The experience of waking up from an incredibly vivid dream, or even one that has become a hazy fog but still leaves an impression due to its subject material, you know exactly what I mean by that. But how does everyone else experience the dream world? It is this question that prompted me to write this post. Researchers have found that the majority of us have dreams with similar themes. For years people have tried to uncover the meaning of dreams. The fleeting images that we see when we go to sleep. Some interpretations are outright bizarre, while others are pretty understandable. 

'A dream is something deep within you. It mostly likely is just a fear you have, that you can't confront.'

Someone told me this. What's the connected link in my case? I can't find one. I mean, I broke up with her like a year ago. Never met her since then. We didn't text nor did we call each other. Yet, she still can found a way to sneaked into my dream. Made me feel nothing but confused and terrified at the same time. Why did I dreamt about her? What's the meaning of it? Is she finally found happiness? Or is she dead? 

I found something while browsing about the subject. Some dreams do have an explanation behind it. According to the researchers. Lulz, they even did research on dreams. A dream about Dying or Illness. You(or a loved one)are ill, injured, or dying. It is a moderately common dream and, not surprisingly, occurs often at the onset of an illness. Aside from becoming ill, this dream can mean that you are emotionally hurt or are afraid of becoming hurt. The dream may also be warning you of an upcoming physical risk to yourself or a loved one. When it is someone else in the dream that dies, it can mean that you feel that part of yourself(that you see represented by that person)is dead. It may also mean that you wish the person would go away, or that you fear losing them. Hmm, that makes sense. I had a lot of experience with these sort of dream. Most of them are still alive now, living a happy life, unlike myself. Ahh! This one piqued my eyes. A dream about Falling or Sinking. We have all had falling dreams. It is such a common dream, in fact, that myths have arisen over them. The most common myth is, of course, that you will die if you hit the ground in the dream. I can assure you, having hit the ground in more than one falling dream, that this is not true at all. In the falling dream we are usually falling through the air and frightened. Occasionally we may be sinking in water and in danger of drowning. Typically a person having this dream is feeling insecure or lacking in support in their waking life. These dreams often occur when you are overwhelmed in life and feel ready to give up. If you have this dream you should evaluate your current situation and try to locate the problem that is overwhelming you. Deal with it and this dream should go away. Simple as that.

I still can't find something that can be useful in my case. It was just too surreal for me. I felt like my conscious was there in the dream. I still remembered her smell, her warmth soft hands, and her moist pink lips. It is not like I'm not over her or something, I've moved on from that chapter. It just left me baffled that it was her that I dreamt about. Why not Cara Delavigne? Heh. Well these are my rants. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

Annababe

Demonic spirits. Ghosts. Haunted dolls. Do you believe in this sort of thing? I found it annoying. What a bunch of bullshit. It's just so depressing to think of people dying but finding no peace, tormented and bound to relive their pain and expose themselves to the living. Lulz, seriously? You got to do better than that to make me wet my pants. I'm not acting like a tough alpha male because I am not one. I'm just like one of you, I have my own fears too. But these kind of things is not one of them.

In my belief, it is compulsory for me to believe these stuffs are exist. I do believe they are exist. Much like Satan, which we can't see them with our eyes. They are around us, living with us, doing whatever fuck that they are doing. That's it. What I don't believe is the stories about them. People loves to exaggerated. I don't find what is so fun about it. I've experienced my own weird things but they can always be explained away even to the point of 'oh, you must have just been imagining it'. I just keep it to myself. I don't share with others that a possessed doll trying to kill me with a kitchen knife while singing weird Victorian lullaby. There are tons of urban legends in my culture. There's a possessed yellow Volkswagen(the old version, demons like to drive an antic car i guess) in a highway that if you cut it, you will get into an accident. A woman that died while giving birth to her first born child will turn into a vampire, more like bride of dracula but ugly version and haunt the entire town. This is also popular in Indonesia too. Unlike the mainstream vampire nowadays, the only thing that can kill her is to hammer down a nail into her neck and voila! She will turn into a beautiful woman. There's also the Oil Man. He is not one of the Avengers. He likes to rape only virgin girls. What a choosy fucker. Lulz. Guess what? A lot of people fell for this kind of crap. It has become part of my culture. 

I'm sure we all know the diference between fantasy and reality, and just enjoy the pretence. Until it's a cold, windy night, and you're on your own, and the light throws deformed shadows on the wall, and you hear a noise at night outside, a scratching rustling sound on a in a dark and door somewhere softly creak, and footsteps down the hallway. Reality can go get stuffed then. I admit it's a bit creepy. I'm getting goosebumps just by write about it but then, there's nothing I can do about it. Just let it slide. I'm not going to check that noise because in every single movie, character that dies the first is the one that stupidly brave enough to check the source of the noise. 
Plus, it is more fun and interesting to let your mind pretend that these thing is actually happening. Because the thrill of something scary happening is fun. Why else do people ride roller coasters? Or watch scary movies? Or bungee jump? 

I really wish I could believe that things like this could exist, but without better evidence that someone saying "the music started playing on it's own and they couldn't ever get the blood off of the keys". That just doesn't make sense. No one can know with 100% certainty there are not ghosts just like no one can know there are. Unfortunately we will not know what happens after death until we die. I enjoy keeping an open mind and it's more comforting for me to think maybe there is something else. I understand why others shrug it off, though. But what truly boils my blood is when people start believe and taking it too damn literally. Ohmeingot! I fucking hate that. Well these are my rants. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

The Ugly Truth

Physical appearance. Ugly and Pretty. Is no one else completely livid over this? It's appalling! What gives us the right to decide what is beautiful and what is not. The Internet does that to our society. Internet has turn people into completely assholes. 

Exactly who the hell decides what is ugly and what is not? The hard truth of it is, what one person considers ugly, another will call beautiful. Each and every one of us has his or her own perception of beautiful and ugly. That's just as it should be because, face it people, not a single one of us has any right, whatsoever to judge others! The ONLY one who has the right to judge, is Our Heavenly Creator. None of you are born ugly. They are who they are because of genetics. They, and ALL of us, are the result of the combining of 32 chromosomes from our fathers and 32 chromosomes from our mothers. None of us gets to pick and choose the characteristics we'd like to have. And, until Our Creator decides to give you, or any of the shallow people who have commented there and there on the internet, the right to stand or sit in judgement over others, you all need to keep your mouths shut and your hollow opinions to yourselves. Laying here on my bed reading your assorted remarks, which, slowly but surely degrade into nauseating racial slurs, I felt myself growing more angry with each remark that I had read. I'd like to know why the people hosting certain sites, have not censored the repeated use of the "N" Word. I don't give a damn how creative you all got in your attempts disguise the word, it still jumps right off the page and insults a person's sensibilities. Use of the word clearly shows others who read that, how low on the evolutionary scale you people are. Before you folks start judging who is ugly and who is not, you need to wash out your own potty mouths, and re-examine the ugliness in your own hearts.

Is it because how successful and rich you are you've been granted the permission to do just that? Sorry but fuck your money. Success does not mean pretty. Money isn't pretty. It's necessary and its dirty and germ filled and it can buy one person's idea of "pretty" but in and of itself is not pretty. Abraham Lincoln was busted as hell in the looks department. Successful but not pretty. Public figures can be quite ugly, quite pretty or neither. Most people in the public eye today alter themselves to appear more pretty or handsome or electable or whatever. Most of these people are damned fucked up in the looks department. 

Take Jocelyn Wildenstein, sometimes referred to as “The Lion Queen” or “The Cat Woman,” is a wealthy socialite who has frequently been seen in the tabloid press due to her numerous cosmetic surgeries. Her extreme appearance has led to the press giving her the nickname “The Bride of Wildenstein,” a reference to The Bride of Frankenstein. Wildenstein has allegedly spent $4m on cosmetic surgery over the years. Holy Fuck! Think how many sick kids or other unfortunate people could have been helped with that money. Success?! It's sick and a complete failure. I will say that this is a hideous example of someone with more money than brains. She certainly must also suffer from severe mental issues. No one can disagree with the fact that she has extremely low self esteem, and she most definitely suffers from a severe Obsessive/Compulsive Condition, because she just can't seem to get enough plastic surgery. I feel very sorry for this woman. She is literally mutilating herself, instead of getting the psychiatric help she desperately needs, people around her enabling her and contributing to her mental illness, by providing her with the money to continue her self mutilization. That is just sick.

Just because you're successful doesn't not mean you can bully other people down. This sort of ugly mentality that makes our society fucked up. People going to think alike that because that's how the world works. It's sad. We're also influenced by stupid barbie and models and actors on TV and magazines, its sad that grade school children are self conscious about appearance because of the idea of what's perfect. I definitely don't think I'm gorgeous but I do like my personality, I'm a firm believer that true beauty comes from the heart, if a person has an ugly heart then all the outer beauty means nothing, a beautiful heart makes people beautiful all over, and that's what's important in life. I've reached a point I like to call "C'est La Vie". I used to be very insecure over my appearance and so shy that passing in a paper took mental preparation, but now I just don't care. I think we all reach a point in life when we realize that some things just aren't important. Don't you ever degraded yourself down. I mean if animals can find a mate, why not you?  Well these aren't really my rants, these are others, I'm just a messenger. Don't shoot me. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

A Little Truth About Fucks

Zillion eons ago, the sky was blue and the land was green. You was born into this world with tons of fuck to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about stranger's opinions. You give away too many fucks about too many things, because you have so many. Then, as you get older, you have maybe 10 fucks per month, so you learn to budget them. You allocate those fucks to family and career, but there aren't enough fucks left to give to the newest fads. Oh, one of your friends has shitty problems that require your help with it and that is outside your knowledge as a man? You will do my best to allocate some fucks, but this month is pretty tight. Then, as you get even older, you are down to 1-2 fucks a month, and those fucks are so damn precious. You give them to your family, your hobbies and your job, and that's kinda it. It is not your fault, fucks expire too damn quickly. I would've liked to save my fucks from when I was younger but I can't. Then, you hit fuck insolvency. You are getting like 1 fuck a year, and you have to make it last. So you go without, and even previously fuck-worthy things, you just can't give a fuck. Some people run out of fucks really quickly, some people have a fuck trust fund that pays out a decent amount even into old age. But at some point, the fuck faucet runs completely dry and you are out of fucks to give away anymore. It is just basic fuckonomics.

Sorry, just had to say this. One day, you will go through what I'm going through right now. I just don't give a fuck anymore. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

Living Hell

Pain and death are part of our world since the time of immemorial. There's nothing in this world that was made to stay forever. Even machines and common things such as pencils and trees. Pencils will become shorter over time and trees will grow old and die. When there's life, there would be also death. Death is inevitable. We were made to die by the time we came out from our mother's womb. That's the bitter truth. We just have to face it.

This is a depressingly matter to be discussed. I'm talking about pain. There are some pain that can be endure and some don't. By ourselves or our loved ones. Would you suffer a painfully slow death marred with tremendous headahes, seizures and memory loss while all those around you watched you deteriorate days by days? It's unbearable to be put into that kind of situation no matter which role you are in.

Everyone has a right to life as much as death. People need to understand that these people are in pain, and they may stay like that for the rest of their lives. I know, it isn't a subject to discuss and many say it's inhuman. It probably is. Letting someone suffer with an illness or injury which can't be healed and leads into severe pain for rest of life. That's inhuman also. Wanting to die without all that pain and feeling dead for a few years isn't living. I sound like a bloodthirsty monster I guess, but people deserve to die with dignity and less pain. Death never is peaceful, it never is quick and nice, but if they truly are in pain, try to see it from their view. Put yourself in their shoe. Be in their constant state of pain and try to handle it, or find yourself turning to this which is of course not bright and happy, yet suffering isn't either. For emotional pain, my opinion doesn't matter. I will choose my likely stupid depressing choice. Just, look into the head of the miserable and find that sometimes the best answer is the one everyone fears, until living begins to get scarier. I know suicide isn't the the only solution but living throughout your life with a disease that would kill you in few months and it is incurable, putting your loved ones in a position where they have to suffer by the image of you getting worse by the course of days, that is just too much. That is not a concept of living. Everyone else had a right but not criminals. I'm against with death sentences. Fleeing from life because of a crime should not be permitted. I wouldn't "feel better" knowing they took the easy way out. I would "feel better" knowing that as they look into a long, long future deprived of liberty, freedom & completely deprived of anything comfortable that they are thinking about the vicious crimes that put them in that situation to begin with.

I'm not a religious person, I do know suicide is a sin in most of religion today and I believe that life is the most valuable thing but taking one's own life is the ultimate expression of free will. You don't have to agree with it, but you have no right to imply that others cannot or should not exercise their free will. Plus, I'm talking about those with cancer, disability that prevent them from being a normal person, not those having a mental breakdown just because they had been dumped by someone. If I were to lose my mind or be damaged beyond hope for recovery, I certainly wouldn't want to burden my loved ones and suffer the indignity of being wiped, prodded, and moved about like a doll with no capacity to communicate or interact. Never making love, never being able to go on an adventure, never being able to build something cool, never being able to read a good book, unable to speak, unable to stand, wallowing in dirty diapers and staring at walls all day would truly be a LIVING HELL. I mean, you give a death sentence to someone being a fucking heartless monster and you put down animals because they had cancers. Isn't it inhuman to let me suffer? Isn't it? I don't think it is weak to choose to die rather than put yourself and your family through long, traumatic and heartbreaking rounds of hospital trips and decisions? I think it must be a very difficult decision to make, and I'm disgusted that you would judge people who are already suffering that way.

People can do whatever they want. They have right on their own life. I'm not saying that suicide is the best solution, I'm against it actually, but in some cases that is the best thing to do. And yes, you have to be prepare to lose someone you loved in order for them to find happiness in their life. Death is inevitable, agony is not. Well these are my rants. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

Senses

Common sense. It's a fucking curse blessed down upon me. Yeah it's a good thing to have it but it's a fucking bad if you're the one that have it while others don't. How the fuck you can survive in this wretched world? It's a fucking mystery to me. Seriously, it's not fair to me and others.

If you don't want to be call stupid, then don't ask stupid questions. That's the law of how to be a normal person. Yet, still there are some of us seems like don't give a shit about it. I mean, I don't come to a cinema to buy myself a pair of shoe, wouldn't I? I don't come to a workshop to take a bath, I'm definitely positively sure not planning to buy a fucking sandwich at a fucking train station. I fucking mad when I walked into a restaurant and the receptionist just stood there and asked me would I like to have a dinner. Nope, I walked into your fancy overpriced restaurant because I want to get a haircut you bitch. Ughh!!! I just feel like to want to cut you open with a blunt knife and take out your heart and sacrifice it to moon god. I am not being like one of those moody mean customer, because I worked in service industry too. I don't go and kiss every fucking single one of my customer's ass. There's a line between being polite and an ass-kisser. Yes, i gotta admitted that sometimes the problems came from the customer, not the employees. I talked from the experience. There's a fucking difference between a restaurant and a fast food restaurant. You came in like a fucking pimp and then you ordered a medium rare steak and after 5 minutes you bitching about how slow my service is?! Are you fucking kidding me you fucking asshole?! Arrggghhh!!!!

That just people. Random stranger that you have to deal with everyday. What about someone you know? Called you in middle of the fucking night asking what are you doing at the very moment. Seriously? "You're not yet sleep?" What's that supposed to mean? "Why you're not sleeping yet?" What the fuck. "I can't sleep". Obviously. "That's all, bye". Seriously, who the fuck call a person in the fucking night just to say all of this horseshit. You can't sleep, that's my fucking problem now?! Fucking slut.

We all were born with stupidity, it's in our gene. But what made Einstein, Tesla, Shakespeare different in their time? Because they chose not to be one. I don't believe there's a person was born flawless and perfect. Yes, they were gifted but they also had disadvantages. Take Leo Messi for an example, he is undoubtedly they best footballer in the world. He had a set of wicked foot, his skills are just amazing. But, oh yeah there's a but, he's small. He is easy to get an injury due to his size. That doesn't stop him. He works on his disadvantage, train himself to be more agile and aware.

You see, there's none of us was born perfect. Even the great ones. They were born, just same like us, with equal gifts and flaws. They learnt to be great. Because life is a learning process itself. Go fucking learn common sense. It's so common they named it common. It's so fucking common. It may not help you, but it might help others around you. And empathy too. Try to put yourself in other's shoe. If you see a person about to die from a heart attack, you don't try to be inquisitive curious nosy investigator. Just don't. Stop asking and start answering. Simple as that. Well, these are my rants. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

Back to the Past

Did it ever occurred in your mind that you were born in the wrong time? I did. Actually, I still am. I thought about it a lot. I wish I can travel back through time and to the past. Or be born in the past. Both ways work for me. As long as I don't live in this time. The present sucks. Everything about it sucks. It's a complicated time to live in. Humanity makes every single aspect of how to be normal person seems so hard to achieve. It's unfair for me. Civilization had become too civilized for me.

I like the past. The Victorian Era, The Wild West, Roman Empire and such. But not like what we saw in movies. They got it all wrong. I mean the Romans didn't always wore togas. Togas were like the very formal piece of clothing and they fucking expensive. Yet, in the movies they still dressed a peasant with a toga. And the Vikings were not bunch of blond bastards wore helmet with horns either. There are no records of such helmets ever existed and the only authentic Viking helmet ever been found doesn't have horns on it. But still, movies always depicted them in such way. Get your facts straight before making a movie! 

Now, let's get back on track. Why I like the past so much? Yeah there were famines everywhere, wars, and other horrible stuffs that we learnt about the past, but still it was a simpler time back then. No social ranks. Twitter, fb, ig whatever fuck kids nowadays are into. I mean you can fucking shot a guy and no one gonna say shit about that. You can be or think whatever fuck you want without someone has to say iin it. And the weapons of choice in the past are so damn cool! I fell in love with the art of fencing. Don't forget about the horses too. Wonderful time isn't it? Unlike the present, apparently if you're not a talker kind of a guy, you're a snobby asshole. What the fuck?! Am I wrong just to give a fuck on my own shit and not others?! I mean, I'm not much of a talker, I literally don't talk to anyone unless they talk me first, I really am. I'm not a fucking arrogant, snobby, egoistic maniac, I just don't talk much. Is it a fucking crime? Am I condemned to hell? Oh mein got!!! That's why I said people sucks. They really are. Can't I just sit on a bench in the park reading a book without people staring at me like I'm developing some sort of bomb?! Jeez..

I can't take it anymore. Feels like just want to pack all of my stuffs and run into the woods and live with the animals. Wait. That's the plot of Tarzan. Ughh! No matter what I do, I can't stop people from talking. That's the rules but I just can't live with it. If I didn't have to talk to people in order to live my life, that would be tremendous for me. Well these are my rants. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

Forever young

When I was younger, I would put my arms in my arms in my shirt and told people I had lost my arms and some people fell for it. I would restart the video game whenever I know I was going to lose, still doing it now. Old habits die hard I guess. I would sleep with all of my stuffed animals and dolls so none of them would get offended. I had that one pen with six colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once. I would put a ball in my shirt so that I can pretend to be pregnant. I poured my soda into the bottle cap and acting I was like taking shots. I would wait behind a door to scare people, but soon leave because they were taking too damn long and I had to pee. I would fake being asleep on the couch in the living room, so that my mum would carry me to bed. I used to think that the moon followed my car. I would watch those two drops of rain roll down the window and pretend like it was a race. I used to swallow fruit seeds and get scared to death that a tree was going to grow inside my tummy. I used to swallow chewing gum because I like the smell of it. I used to picked my nose and eat the boogers. In my defense, they taste really good. I used to put a lollipop in my mouth and pretend I was smoking. I'm the Rick, long lost brother of the Rock, and my special move was Diving Elbow to the balls.

Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up. What the fuck was I thinking??

Compliments

'You're so funny! OMG! I wish you are here with me so I can lick your pretty face off and bury my face in your soft neck and...'

*tires screeching*

Heh, nope. I wish that's true. Huehuehue. Well technically, it is. The first three words are. The feeling that you get when someone saying nice things about you. Especially, from someone that you had a crush on. Isn't it wonderful? Not for me.

Compliments. Well, it is great when someone recognized something about you. It makes you feel good about yourself. Makes you feel you're not a total piece of shit after all. But why do we need people to make us feel good? Why can't we compliment our own self? Because people will call you crazy that's why.

For me, I'm not good in saying nice things about people. I really do. I mean, if you invite me to a funeral and asked me to speak about the deceased, I would just stand on the podium and say 'Well he's dead, the end'. That's it. I will just keep the memories that I had with him just for me. I won't share. They said 'Sharing is Caring', yeah I don't have both. Hahaha. I fucking hate when people said how funny I am, cute and shit. I just hate it. Just keep it to yourself. I feel like you're asking something from me. Something that I know I just don't have the luxury to give. I don't have to be impress. That's why I don't bother to compliment others. I don't want to give an impression that I'm trying to get in their pants. I'm not looking for those. But if you feel like generously to give in, I wouldn't say no either. *wink


This is just my opinion. I mean why should we depends on other to make us feel special about our self. You want society to accept you but you can't even accept yourself. It is you, and you only can change that. Don't lower yourself down. Be humble, but don't ever treat yourself that you're useless. I mean even a spider can find a mate, and you don't? We are all heroes. Well, I'm going to spread butter onto my nose and try to lick it with my tongue. Why? Because I am a weirdo and this kind of activity brings me comfort, heh. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

Sehidup Semati

Aku rindu akan gelak tawamu,
Bau rambutmu,
Cara kau memanggil namaku,
Saat kau menoleh me arahku,
Dengan Mata bulatmu bewarna coklat hazel yang penuh kasih sayang,
Cara kau mencuci luka di hatiku,
Meniup semangatku setiap waktu,
Menemaniku di sana dan situ,
Oh betapa rindunya aku terhadapmu,
Seluas Bima Sakti ini luas lagi rinduku terhadap dirimu,
Bilakah kita dapat bersua lagi?
Adakah kau sihat di Sana?
Adakah ia seperti diperkatakan teman kita?
Maafkan diriku kerana banyak bertanya,
Sungguh banyak untuk aku katakan,
Tetapi sayang kau jauh di Sana,
Begitu perlahan detikku berlalu,
Betapa inginnya aku untuk me Sana,
Tidak ada apa untukku di sini,
Tanya derita yang aku rasai,
Masa depanku sehitam abu api,
Tidak ada cerah mahupun bewarna warni,
Akanku tunai janjiku terhadapmu,
Untuk sehidup dan semati.

Senyuman

Bilakah engkau akan menjadi milikku?
Alangkah indah hidup bersamamu,
Cara kau melayan kerenah gilaku,
Cara kau tertawa akan setiap jenakaku,
Oh senyumanmu sungguh mendamaikan,
Ibarat melihat persisiran pantai yang sungguh mempersonakan,
Kemanisan wajahmu tiada tolok bandingan,
Melihat wajahmu mengingatkan aku betapa agungnya kuasa Tuhan,
Kecantikan dalamanmu terpancar di luaran,
Hatiku yang angau sudah tertawan,
Bilakah kita akan dapat berdua-duaan,
Perasaanku tidak lagi dapatku tahan,
Membara api asmara di dalam badan,
Bahawa engkaulah gadis idaman.

Life

Primal Fear. Saw. Watchmen. No Country for Old Men. Old Boy. Star Wars Episode lll. Se7en. Troy. Braveheart. Reservoir Dogs. Sin City. Arlington Road. Der Untergang. 300. Cloverfield. Cabin in the Woods. Hannibal.

I'm not going to write about movies, but yes this is a list of movies. Some of them are great, some don't. In my opinion, all of them are great. They are realistic. They reflect the true colours of Life. What are they have in common? Think about it.

Yes, the villains won in all of this movie. It doesn't give us what we want. It doesn't turned out as what as we expected. That's why I said these movies are great. I stand by my statement. You see, the ending of these movies depict Life itself. Life isn't a fairytale. At least my life. It's cruel and unfair. It doesn't give me what I want. It doesn't give me what I need either. It gives me only misery. Unlike most of story nowadays, where the protagonist got beat up by the antagonist then found the will to get revenge on the antagonist and live happily ever after. Nope. Not in my life. Life just came at me swung at every angle and smashed me to pieces. Every single damn day.

People and movies nowadays tend to forget this, there are some situation that you just couldn't recover from. You never will. Sorry to break these to you, but this is the truth. The truth fucking hurts.

But that doesn't make me to give up on living. I still woke up every single day and just face through all the shit that life threw at me. I did thought about suicide sometimes and even now, but I just felt that wasn't the answer. For me, suicide doesn't end the chances of Life getting better, suicide eliminates the possibilities of Life getting better. That's what I think. The thought of my loved ones got me through everyday. My neighbor especially. Her so called problems. I hate it sometimes, but that's my secret of happiness. For me, the key to being happy isn't the search for meaning, it's to keep yourself busy with unimportant bullshit and eventually, you will be dead. Yayyy! Sounds depressing isn't it? Well it got me through everyday so I'm going to keep doing it. Well these are my rants. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

We Are All Lesbians

Yes, just like what the title says. We are all lesbians. For me personally, I don't mind it all. Not a bit. Since I'm a guy, so yeah I don't a have problem with 2 girls licking at each other. Heh, but I don't know what about the ladies. Is it disgust that you feel when you see that kind of scene? Weeee. Well, I'm not going to blog about sexual orientation. Nope. Why did I said that? Because we are lesbians in the beginning.

You see, every single of us, myself included starts as a female in the womb. Yup. Go ahead and Google it. I got this from LiveScience while browsing the net just now:

'For the first several weeks, a developing embryo follows a 'female blueprint', from reproductive organs to nipples. Only after about 60 days does the hormone testosterone kick in(for those of us with Y chromosome), changing the genetic activity of cells in the genitals and brain.'

These explained why do us men, have nipples. I mean it's not like we have a use for them yet still, I'm always wondering why do men have nipples. These answered my question and these also explained my title. Let's move on to other interesting thing that I found it very amusing. This subject is for us, men. It's not like I'm decriminalizing womens out there, I loves womens. You guys fun. My entire roster of friends are mostly womens. It just that some of you might know this, some of you don't. You guys never ever will experience this. Same like us men with PMS. It's called 'Morning Wood'.

For guys out there know what I'm talking about. We all get this every single day. To those who don't, you might know it as an Erection. You see, not only the ladies are capable to wake up my big 'baby'(yes, that's a reference of my penis. It sounded better that way, lulz), even when I'm asleep too. In the morning, I woke up with a sight of my big baby trying to break free full gangsta from my pants. It's not a pleasant view to be witnessed. Hence, the term Morning Wood came in.

Although the science is hardly firm, the theories are most interesting. First of all, let's call it by its scientific name:

'Nocturnal Penile Tumescence'

It sounded like a name for an owl, lulz. It's perfectly natural occurrence experienced by healthy men 3-5 times a night regardless what kind of dream. It's theorized that the body triggers NPT(???) to stretch out the cavernosum(the two sponge like regions that fill with blood to cause an erection), something that helps prevent bed-wetting and erectile dysfunction. Yes, it's perfectly natural to experienced this. Now I finally can Dir in peace.

There are a lot of things that we don't understand about our body. Why do we have dreams? Why do we love to sing in the shower? There are a lot of answers out there that really valuable for us to gain from it. Well, these aren't really rants, just for academic purpose only. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

Knowing what you had already knew

I hate being right. Why do I have to be curious in everything all the time? Then once I know the answer that I always knew within myself to be true but I'm just to ignorant to admit it because I want to prove to myself that I'm wrong but then the results are as what as I expected it to be and I just hate myself for that. I just hate it. Lost in translation, don't you? I will be surprised if you don't because I am. I don't know how to explain it. There are no words to describe what I am feeling right now.

It's like this, when you planning to watch a movie that you just got a hunch going to suck so bad but you just go with it because you want to prove to yourself wrong but then...

BAM! 

You were right, it was sucks. It sucks so bad even Dumbledore himself won't watch your memory of it in the Pensieve. 

You bought a video game that you know its going to flunked but you just bought it anyways because you thought it can fill your loneliness in your life but then...

BAM! 

You were right all along. It sucks so bad that you threw in the garbage so that your friends won't find out that you bought it that game. 

Then why you did you do it? Why did you went with it? Why???? I guess you just need to know right? To find contentment in yourself that you were right. Then once you acknowledged it, it hurts like hell. It fucking hurts. 

Human minds are very complex for us to understand it. Even for us human, the only species that have it, can't figure out how our minds work. Not entirely. Well, I'm going to meet a girl now, but something tells me that she is not single. Please, please God, let me be wrong in this one just for once. These are my rants. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

A funny thing called Love

'Baby'

'Boo Boo'

'Bae'

What do you think of it? Is it cute? Is it lovely? Is it fun? Nope, you're wrong. I'm not talking about an infant here, if that was on your mind. I hate babies. But that wasn't my case either. What I'm trying to blog here is about names that people threw at each other in a relationship.

Are these necessary to be in a relationship? Calling each other funny names? Is it supposed to make me feel special about myself? It doesn't matter to me really. But I can't help myself not to give it a thought. It has been my pain in the ass since the beginning of time for me. You can call me whatever fuck you want. I really don't give a fuck, but you can't forced me to the same for you. Why can't I call you the name that had been given to you instead of 'Baby'? Is it too casual for you? It doesn't represent whatever love that I have for you? Well then, define casual for me. Isn't it casual for us to have what everyone wants in a relationship? Think about it.

What's so wrong with the name that your parents gave it to you? I mean they busted their minds off to came up with that name for you. It's sad. I like my name. It's unique. It's one of a kind. Don't get me wrong, they are probably thousands of people out there are about the same name as mine but there's only one me. There are others but they didn't share the same idea as mine, the type of music that I like, the kind of girl that I would like to be marry with, there's only one and that's me. When someone texted me 'Hey baby', I don't feel a thing. It could be a broadcast message. It's not specific, but when someone texted me 'Hey Rzq', now that's something. I felt that those words just for myself. It makes me feel special. It shows your true love for me. Isn't that what we want for our relationship?

This is just my opinion about this nickname situation. So yeah, I'm not a big fan of these type of thing. Well every single of us got our own opinion about certain type of thing, I'm gonna respect that and please do the same for me. Just remember, if someone doesn't say 'I love you, Baby', it doesn't mean anything. The fact that they are willing to spent their precious time in this world that they can't get it back for you, that shows their love to you. These are my rants. Peace out. Assalamualaikum.

Syaitanku

Di dalam bilik tersebut gelap dan berasap, tetapi aku dapat melihat persekitarannya seperti hari siang di tengah hari. Udara di sekeliling bilik itu tampak nipis dan tidak berbau, ketika aku mencuba untuk merasa pergerakan angin di dalam bilik tersebut, aku berasa seperti pandanganku samar dan realiti perlahan-lahan hilang dari mindaku.

"Aku mesti bermimpi ni.." berkata aku pada diriku, tetapi jika benar aku sedang bermimpi, mengapa aku boleh sedar akan persekitaran di dalam bilik itu? Adegan tersebut samar di mataku tetapi aku merasa seperti kesedaranku ada di situ. Aku bingung untuk aku menyedari bahawa semua ini adalah benar ataupun aku sedang bermimpi. Semua ini tidak berapa penting kerana illusi ini akan hilang bila aku bangun dari tidurku. Itu yang bermain di fikiranku...

Sedang aku berjalan mundar-mandir di ruangan bilik yang gelap dan berasap itu, tiba tiba aku lihat munculnya suatu cahaya api dari belakang dinding yang diperbuat daripada gelas di hadapanku. Satu susuk tubuh lelaki keluar daripada cahaya api tersebut, semakin dekat lembaga itu menghampiriku, semakin jelas susuk tubuhnya dipandanganku. Aku tidak pernah berjumpa lelaki itu, tetapi hilang perasaan takut dari diriku seperti aku tahu siapakah gerangan yang muncul dari cahaya api tadi.

"Azazil"

Aku berdiri hanya beberapa meter dari Syaitan sendiri. Simbol kejahataan di dunia, Penghuni Neraka Jahanam dan Penghasut kaum Adam.  Dengan megahnya dia berdiri dan prostur badan yang berlagak sambil memegang secawan air yang aku pasti adalah arak. Dia menghampiriku dan memeluk badanku dengan senyuman yang melebar. Masih jelas di ingatanku cara dia memanggil aku seperti kami sudah lama berkenalan. "Anakku! Dah lama aku tunggu kau.." Dia mengarahkan jari telunjuknya yang panjang dan nipis ke arah kalendar yang tersangkut di dinding belakangku, tarikh 29/6/2014 dibulatkan dengan warna merah, tarikh lain dipangkah dan ada juga yang dikoyak dari kalendar tersebut. Aku terpaku, mataku terbeliak memandang ke arahnya sementara dia berjalan perlahan-lahan mengelilingiku. Aku terkejut kagum kerana dia tidak seperti yang diperkatakan orang. Mirip mukanya seperti lelaki yang berusia di pertengahan 20-an, berhidung mancung, dan mempunyai bibir yang nipis yang kelihatannya seperti senang untuk memberikan senyuman. Rambutnya berwarna coklat gelap yang kemas disikat rapi.

"Apa yang kau nak dengan aku?" Tanya aku tidak percaya yang aku baru menanyakan soalan kepada Syaitan. "Anakku, bukan aku yang memerlukan sesuatu dari kau, tetapi sebaliknya kau dan saudara saudara kau yang memerlukan sesuatu dari aku. Dunia yang kau hidup sekarang adalah jauh berbeda dari dunia yang dulu. Dunia yang dahulunya mudah untuk difahami kini telah menjadi sesuatu yang sangat kompleks untuk aku memperjelaskan kepada kau. Manusia, tak macam yang seperti permulaan zaman, tidak lagi puas dengan KEHIDUPAN dikurniakanNya, tetapi kau membuat yang sebaliknya untuk mendapat apa yang kau nak. Kebaikan dan Kejahatan? Hahaha! Kaum kau membuat kerja yang bagus dengan menjadikan konsep itu menjadi sesuatu yang besar dan sukar untuk dilakukan. Aku sendiri pun tak faham bila kau bercakap tentang benda tu!" Dia berjalan mengililingiku sambil meneguk air bewarna putih yang berada di dalam cawan yang dipegangnya dari semasa ke semasa sambil berbicara tentang benda benda tersebut. "Seperti dulu, kau lupa apa yang kita bualkan sebelum ini, kan?" Aku bingung seketika, tetapi mindaku cuba mencari logik di dalam benda tersebut. Mesti kami pernah berjumpa sebelum ini, mesti kami pernah berbual mengenai sesuatu. Dari keadaan nada cara dia bercakap, kami pasti pernah bertemu sekurang-kurangnya empat kali, dan ini adalah kali keempat.

"Aku tak salahkan kau, kau manusia, serba kekurangan. Apa kaum kau cakap? Oh yaa! 'Bila taknak, selalu ingat. Bila nak, tak boleh nak ingat.' Biar aku terangkan lagi kepada kau. Kita pernah berjumpa sebelum ni. Bila dan di mana tidak berapa penting. Seperti antara urusan kau dengan Dia, kita juga ada urusan kita bersama."

"Hah? Adakah kau cuba cakap yang aku pernah bersetuju untuk menyembah kau seperti aku menyembah Allah 5 kali setiap hari?"

"Ooh jangan salah faham, anakku. Aku tidak pernah bercerita tentang menyembah dan 5 kali hari sehari. Jika kau memberikan masa kau 5 kali sehari untuk Pencipta Kita, aku hanya ambil sehari dari 5 tahun. Aku bukannya nak gunakan kau membuat kerja kerja aku. Apa yang kita akan buat hanyalah berbual."

Aku memandangnya dengan penuh rasa curiga sambil aku mengambil kesempatan untuk duduk di atas kerusi lembut yang tidak aku tahu dari mana munculnya.

"Ya anakku, kita hanya berbual sahaja. Tak lebih dari tu. Kali terakhir kita jumpa, aku tertidur mendengar cerita perbuatan dosa dosa yang kau buat dan betapa seronoknya kau membuat semua tu. Oh, kenapa kau terkejut wahai anakku? Ya benar, kau mengaku semuanya kepada aku. Aku masih ingat kau menangis dan gelak sendirian di kala kau memikirkan betapa jahilnya cara kau meningkat  menjadi dewasa. Tetapi sekarang, lain pula ceritanya. Kau sudah menjadi lelaki dewasa, mampu untuk berfikir sendiri dan berdikari. Oh, betapa sukanya aku akan kali keempat! Inilah saat yang aku paling aku suka bercakap dengan kau. Cuba terangkan kepada aku wahai anakku. Apakah aku kepada kau?"

Aku berfikir sejenak sebelum pertanyaannya itu, "Kau adalah Azazil ataupun Satan di dalam agama lain. Malaikat yang gugur, Penghasut manusia, dan engkau lah Pembawa kejahatan di dunia ini."

"Aku tahu, aku tahu semua tu, tetapi aku tak tanya SIAPAkah aku, sebaliknya APAkah aku?"

"Aku tak faham." Tidak langsung aku berasa pelik terhadap soalan tersebut, tetapi aku dapat merasakan yang dia sedang menanti jawapan yang betul terpacul dari mulutku.

"Heh" dia bersinis denganku. "Kaum kau menganggap aku adalah musuh Tuhan. CiptaanNya yang dimurkai olehNya kerana aku Pemberontak dan Sombong. Ada juga yang menganggap aku adalah punca kejahatan di dunia. Apa pendapat kau? Apakah aku kepada kau?"

Aku mengangkat bahuku dan menyelerengkan kepalaku sedikit seperti ingin memberitahu kepadanya yang aku tidak tahu untuk menjawab soalan itu. "Ahh! Tak pernah cuba kau fikir pasal aku, kan? Tak tahu nak cakap apa? Seperti yang aku sangka, 'bagai lembu dicucuk hidung'. Buat saja apa yang disuruh. Selagi kau betul di dalam pegangan kau, tak perlu kau tahu benda benda di sekitar kau. Bukankah Tuhan menyuruh kau mencari ilmu? Betul tak apa yang aku cakap?

Sekali lagi dia meneguk air dari cawan yang dipegangnya itu dan bersambung: "Aku mahu bertanya anakku, apakah Kebaikan dan Kejahatan? Apabila kau memakan makanan yang disediakan oleh ibu kau walaupun kau sudah kenyang ketika itu, adakah kau Baik kerana menghargai ibu kau dan beryukur dengan pemberian Tuhan? Atau Kau jahat kerana bersikap tamak dan tidak mengikut sunnah Nabi kau? Apabila kau memukul seorang dari kaum kau untuk mempertahankan yang lain, adakah kau menjadi Baik kerana menjadi seorang penyelamat? Atau kau Jahat kerana mendatang musibah ke atas saudara kau? Akhir sekali, apabila kau berdoa kepada Tuhan supaya diberikan kehidupan yang lebih baik, adakah kau menjadi Baik kerana meminta petunjukNya? Atau kau Jahat kerana tidak bersyukur dengan apa yang kau ada sekarang? Biar aku tanya kau lagi sekali, Kaum kau tahu ke tak apa perbezaan antara Kebaikan dan Kejahatan sebenarnya?"

"Aku memang tak tahu." Berkata aku di dalam fikiranku.

"Ahh, yaa! Jujur dengan diri sendiri tapi tidak pada yang lain. Sungguh tipikal sifat kau wahai anakku."

"Kau boleh baca apa yang ada di dalam fikiran aku?" Sebab aku tak ingat mengeluarkan sebutir kata sebentar tadi.

"Aku mempunyai deria dan ilmu yang luas seperti saudara aku di atas sana. Apa yang kau cakap, tidak kira dari mulut , fikiran, mahu pun di dalam hati kau akan sentiasa dapat aku dengar. Aku akan ceritakan sedikit tentang diri aku wahai anakku. Ya, memang betul anggapan kau. Aku adalah Azazil atau Iblis dan sesetengah kaum kau memanggil aku al-Harits. Aku pernah menjadi Sayyid al-Malaikat dan Khazin al-Jannah untuk berpuluh ribu tahun sebelum terciptanya alam ni. Akulah yang tercantik dan terkuat di antara makhluk ciptaan Tuhanku."

"Jadi kenapa kau memberontak?" Aku mencelah.

"Siapa yang cakap aku memberontak?" Dapat aku lihat di dalam matanya yang menunjukkan secebis kesunyian.

"Itu yang yang aku baca dari Kitab suci al-Quran dan juga kitab suci agama lain"

"Adakah itu apa yang tertulis, ataupun apa yang telah difahamkan kepada kau? Selain itu, aku tidak tahu ada makhluk lain menyimpan nota untuk kaum kau."

Dia menarik sebuah kerusi dari belakangya dan duduk bertentangan denganku.

"Kaum kau telah dikurniakan akal fikiran daripada Tuhan tetapi tak ada seorang pun dari kaum kau pernah mempersoalkan apa yang tersurat di dalam kitab kitab yang kebenarannya dipilih ini. 'Allah adalah Maha Pengasih dan Maha Mengetahui. KehendakNya tidak pernah silap dan tidak pernah gagal.' Cuba kau fikir, jika benar Tuhan itu tidak pernah silap di dalam berjuta ciptaanNya, bagaimana aku boleh menjadi seperti ini dan kau menjadi rosak seperi itu?"

Iblis itu telah berjaya menyemarakkan api ingin tahu diriku terhadap soalan yang pernah aku bertanya pada diriku sendiri suatu ketika dulu. Walaupun aku suka arah hala tuju perbualan kami, aku merasakan diriku salah kerana termakan dek kata kata dari seseorang yang menjadi simbol kepada Penipuan.

"Ya, benar. Tuhan memberikan aku terlebih dahulu apa yang Dia panggil kurniaan terhebatNya kepada kaum kau iaitu Kebebasan Memilih. Bukan saja itu, aku bukan hanya dapat menggunakan, aku juga diberikan kuasa dari Tuhanku untuk memberi dan menyalurkannya kepada sesiapa yang aku nak. Aku tidak lagi terikat untuk menjadi apa yang dikehendakiNya. Dia menjadikan aku  sebagai konsep pertama Kebaikan dan Kejahatan:Pilihan. Aku dikurniakan keupayaan untuk memilih. Memilih apa yang aku nak buat dan dan apa aku nak fikir. Untuk mentaatiNya ataupun tidak."

"Dan kau memilih tidak?"

"Jangan terlalu cepat menjatuhkan hukum...Meskipun aku mempunyai Kebebasan Memilih, aku masih memilih untuk melakukan apa yang dikehendakiNya dari aku. Aku masih memilih untuk mentaati akan perintahNya. Aku buat untuk berpuluh ribu tahun lamanya sehinggalah...."

Dia menukar posisi duduknya dan bersandar dia atas kerusi tersebut.

"Sehinggalah Dia membuat konsep kedua Kebaikan dan Kejahatan:Pengorbanan. Dia meminta aku supaya berkorban demi ciptaanNya. Adalah sesuatu yang besar bagi aku untuk mengorbankan maruah aku untuk bapa kau."

"Kenapa kau enggan sujud kepada Adam? Bukankah kau makhluk paling taat diantara makhluk cipataan Allah?"

"Kenapa perlu aku sujud kepada bapa kau sedangkan dia tidak setanding dengan aku. Aku lebih mulia dari bapa kau. Aku diperbuat oleh Tuhanku dari api yang tidak berbau, dan kaum kau diperbuat daripada tanah yang kotor dan berbau. Kaum kau adalah lemah untuk dibandingkan dengan aku."

"Saudara kau kesemuanya mengikut perintah Allah tanpa sebarang soal, sedangkan kau ingkar terhadap apa yang dikehendakinya." Rasa ingin tahuku tidak lagi dapat aku bendung.

"Meskipun saudara aku kesemuanya tidak mempunyai Kebebasan Memilih, mereka semua boleh merasai kasih dan emosi. Kami boleh gembira dan sedih. Kami boleh menyayangi sesuatu lebih dari yang lain. Cuma beza antara aku dan mereka semua hanyalah mereka tidak mempunyai keupayaan untuk memilih apa yang mereka mahu untuk mereka sendiri."

Aku menggaru kepala tanda kebingungan. "Aku tak faham. Kenapa dia menyuruh kau untuk menyesatkan manusia?"

"Dia tidak pernah menyuruhku. Aku yang memilih untuk menyesatkan kaum kau. Akulah yang membawa kau ke dalam posisi memilih dan mengingatkan kau sepanjang masa yang kau mempunyai pilihan. Suara kecil yang setiap kali kau dengar bahawa kau boleh memilih yang lain? Itulah aku. Aku adalah penasihat yang sentiasa mengingatkan yang kau boleh membuat atau menjadi yang lain dari yang lain. Aku ada di saat adanya kanan dan kiri."

Aku memeriksanya dengan teliti dan aku mendapati tiada rasa menyesal atau bersalah di dalam dirinya. Iblis tidak suka akan tugasnya yang baru tetapi dia melakukan tugasnya dengan taat seperti taatnya dia terhadap Allah suatu ketika dahulu.

"Seperti biasa, Tuhanku tidak salah. Dia tahu akan takdir, apa yang akan terjadi kerana Dia ADALAH takdir. Apabila takdir kaum kau sudah ditulis dan berlakunya ia, kaum kau menyalahkan AKU jika pilihan yang dia buat merugikan diri mereka sendiri, tetapi memuji diri mereka sendiri jika pilihannya menguntungkan buat mereka. Dari saat itu, konsep Kebaikan dan Kejahatan mula berubah. Kaum kau membentuk Kebaikan seperti mana mereka suka. Semua yang lain atau bertentangan dengan konsep kebaikan yang mereka bentuk adalah Kejahatan. Kejahatan berubah menjadi lebih dan lebih kepada AKU, sebab AKUlah kononnya kau tinggalkan solat, aku hanya ingatkan kau yang kau ada pilihan untuk solat sekarang atau sekejap lagi." Dia berdiri. Jejarinya dilumatkan hingga membentuk penumbuk.

"Bukankah kau yang meletakkan pilihan tersebut ke atas aku terlebih dahulu?!"

Matanya berubah menjadi semakin tajam melihatku dan perilakunya juga  berubah. Bibir yang sebelum ini mudah melontarkan senyuman manis kini berubah menjadi seperti bibir yang dipinjam dari seekor binatang yang buas.

"Adakah adil bagi aku apabila kau menyalahkan aku atas kesemua perbuatan bodoh yang kau buat?! Apabila kau membunuh saudara kau? Bukan aku yang bunuh tapi kau! Apabila kau mencuri? Bukan tangan aku tapi tangan kau! Apabila kau menipu? Bukan mulut aku tapi mulut kau! Apabila kau merogol? Tidak bersyukur dengan apa yang dikurniakan ke atas kau? Jauh di sudut hati kau, kenapa kau menyalahkan aku atas semua benda tersebut?"

Dia meminum air dari cawannya lalu dihempaskan ke lantas. Dia berjalan mengelilingi kerusiku, dengan mata yang berapi dan badan yang terketar-ketar apabila tiba tiba dia berdiri di depanku dan merenung ke arahku  seperti budak budak merenungkan makanan yang tidak disukainya di depan mata. Selepas itu, dia mendongak ke atas, mata tertutup dan tangan diletak di dada seperti dia mahu mengorek keluar isi jantungnya"

"Maafkan aku, Ya Tuhanku. Aku membiarkan kelemahanku mengatasi diriku." 

Dengan itu, dia membuang rasa amarah dan sedih terhadapku lalu duduk kembali di hadapanku untuk meneruskan perbualan kami. "Maafkan aku, jarang sekali aku  hilang kawalan terhadap emosi aku. Kau nak minum tak?"

Aku menolak permintaannya dan mendekatkan kerusiku dengannya. "Kenapa aku patut percaya kata kata kau? Kau tidak mempunyai kredibiliti. Nama kau sinonim dengan penipuan. Mempertaruhkan duit aku ke atas kau adalah satu tindakan yang bodoh."

"Kenapa? Kau tanya kenapa? Kenapa tidak? Bukankah itu yang kau selalu buat? Meletakkan kepercayaan kau ke atas seseorang yang beranggapan dirinya dekat dengan Tuhan. Kenapa kau fikir kau patut percaya dekat mereka? Sebab mereka pakai kopiah putih, jubah putih dan berceramah kata kata Tuhanku? Adakah itu menjadikan mereka lebih berkredibiliti dari saudara-saudara kau yang lain menyebarkan dakwah tapi dengan cara yang lain?"

"Hmm..ada betulnya kata kata kau tetapi kaum aku salah tidak menjadikan kau betul."

"Aku tak perlu jadi apa apa. Aku tegas dengan kepercayaan aku. Hati aku ikhlas terhadap diriku seperti mana kata kata aku terhadap kau. Bagaimana dengan kau pula? Jika benar kau percaya terhadap Tuhanku, kenapa kau bersusah payah membuat orang lain percaya? Betapa terdesaknya diri kau sampai sanggup mengiklankan kepercayaan dengan cara yang paling dibenci?"

"Apa maksud kau 'Iklan cara paling dibenci'?"

"Saluran-saluran media kau! Kau dan kaum kau nampak bodoh apabila menganjurkan apa yang kau panggil 'Ceramah Agama' dan mengaku yang dulunya kau jahat, berzina dan sekarang kau diberi hidayah oleh Tuhan. Tentulah kau cuba mempertahankan diri kau dengan mengatakan kau hanya nak orang lain tahu, dan menggagumi kuasa Tuhan, tapi PERLUkah sesuatu kepercayaan itu diiklankan? Perlukah kau mengaku itu dan ini? Dan yang paling penting, haruskah kau diberi ganjaran atas kepercaayaan kau?

Bam! Tepat pada muka! Seperti sesuatu yang keras dibaling ke arah wajahku. Ada betulnya kata Iblis ini. Apabila ditanya, kebanyakan dari kita akan menjawab kita sembahyang pada Allah kerana kita mahu mendapat kehidupan lebih baik dan ingin masuk ke Syurga. Pada waktu ini lah aku sedar yang kita telah mengubah kepercayaan kita menjadi kerja. Kita membuat kerana disuruh, tidak ikhlas di dalam hati.

"Apa kau rasa jika aku cakap yang tidak ada kehidupan yang baik dan Syurga? Ataupun tidak seperti yang diheboh-hebohkan kaum kau ketika kau membesar? Bagitahu anakku, apa akan jadi dengan kepercayaan kau bila aku memukulnya dengan kebenaran?"

"Aku bersedia, terangkan kepada aku." Aku membuang rasa melawanku dan mendengar perkataannya dengan rasa tidak sabar.

"Apa yang kau nak tahu, wahai anakku?"

"Adakah benar ada hidup selepas mati?" Aku menjawab dengan tidak sabar. Aku teringat akan seseorang pernah aku cintai dulu yang meninggal dunia akibat kemalangan jalan raya. Aku berfikir tentangnya setiap detik, hari dan minggu melawan pemergiannya yang begitu perit bagiku untuk diterima. Aku teringat di saat aku terima berita tersebut dan betapa kosongnya hatiku apabila mengetahui dia pergi meninggalkan aku dari dunia ini.

"Ya dan Tidak. Ya, sebab memang benar ada. Tidak, sebab ia tidak seperti yang kau sangkakan. Begini, sesetengah manusia yang telah mati sudah pun berjalan di dunia ini sebagai kekal abadi. Cuma mereka tidak berjalan menggunakan kaki memijak tanah tetapi mereka hidup di kalangan manusia setiap hari."

"Sebagai hantu?"

"Bukan! Memori, tolol! Engkau sebenarnya yang memberi mereka hidup selepas mati. Melalui kau dan kata kata kau yang membuatkan mereka hidup selama-lamanya. Memori kau tentang perbuatan dan baktinya yang melindungi mereka di dunia ini. Seperti bagaimana kau memberi kawan kau peluang untuk hidup kekal abadi dengan berkongsi kisah hidupnya dengan saudara kau yang lain. Hanya kau dan yang menyayanginya saja yang memberikannya hidup selepas mati. Jika kau lupa akan memorinya, maka hilanglah dia dari dunia ini.

Hatiku seperti dicubit. Berlinangan air mataku mengalir di pipi memikirkan kehilangan seorang teman.

"Kalau macam itu, bagaimana pula Syurga dan Neraka?

"Oh, tentu sekali benar. Cuma tidak seperti mana yang kau gambarkan. Sebenarnya, kau dan kaum kau pernah masuk Syurga dan Neraka beberapa kali."

Aku memusingkan kepala sekitar bilik itu. "Adakah ini Neraka?"

"Tentu sekali bukan. Ini adalah mimpi, bukan Neraka. Ini adalah..." Dia meletakkan tangannya dekat dengan hatinya. "Ini adalah Syurga dan Neraka pada waktu yang sama. Ini adalah Syurga bila kau betul betul rasa bangga dapat menjejakkan kaki ke dalam Syurga. Ini adalah Syurga jika kau bebas dari perasaan bersalah dan menyesal yang kau dapat melihat Syurga. Manakala kau akan rasa ini adalah Neraka jika kau penuh dengan rasa bersalah, sesalan dan kesedihan. Kau akan dihempap hancur oleh hati kau sendiri, dan kekosongannya membuat kau tersangkut selama-lamanya di Neraka."

Dia bangun dari kerusinya dan mengambil beberapa langkah ke arah dinding gelas yang ada dibelakangnya.

"Apa yang kau cari di dalam hidup ini adalah sesuatu yang memang ada dengan kau selama ini. Kau saja yang terlalu sibuk mencari sesuatu yang lebih. Aku ingat apa yang Tuhanku cakap pasal kaum kau. 'Darjat mereka akan selalu di atasmu, mereka juga mudah tersentak dan jatuh dengan cubaan yang paling ringan'. Dia juga berkata bahawa meskipun kaum kau bongkak, kau pun tahu tu. Kau tidak akan pernah sedar akan kesempurnaan dan kelebihan kau. Jauh di sudut hati kau, kau sentiasa ragu-ragu tentang diri kau dan kau sentiasa mahu lebih untuk diri kau. Melalui kau, aku ingat betapa kasih dan sayangnya Tuhanku terhadap aku kerana aku dilahirkan dengan sesuatu yang manusia cari seumur hidup mereka. Kepuasan."

Aku tersentak. Iblis ini lebih arif tentang Manusia dari Manusia sendiri. Betul katanya. Kita menghabiskan masa kita di dunia cuba mencari jalan untuk memperolehi lebih lagi dan baik lagi(untuk kepercayaan kita). Kita meminta yang lebih, dan selepas mendapatnya, kita menghulurkan tangan kita dan masih lagi meminta yang lebih. Seperti tidak ada hentinya kelaparan manusia yang tidak akan pernah merasa kenyang.

"Aku tak faham, kenapa mereka menipu aku?" Bingung adalah tepat untuk gambarkan apa yang aku rasa setelah mendengar kata-katanya tadi. Aku memandang ke lantai yang berada di bawahku seperti ada satu beban yang berat diletakkan di bahagian tengkuk yang menyukarkan untuk melihat ke atas. Aku rasa dikhianati dan bodoh sombong pada masa yang sama. Kesedaranku terhadap kenyataan tersebut adalah pahit untuk aku terima daripada lega yang aku telah mendapat jawapan yang aku mintak selama ini. Apa yang paling aku kesalkan adalah aku mengambil ringan tentang Tuhan walhal begitu banyak benda yang aku perlu aku tahu tentangNya.

"Mereka tidak menipu kau. Mereka cuma tidak tahu..." Dia menuju ke arahku dan meletakkan tangan kanannya di bahu kiriku.

"Wahai anakku, peperangan di antara Kebaikan dan Kejahatan tidak berlaku di bawah sinar matahari, tidak juga ia berlaku di bawah pancaran bulan. Peperangan tersebut tidak dilancarkan dengan nuklear, pen mahu pun lidah. Maafkan aku, tetapi kau sedang melancarkan perang ini dengan cara yang salah. Ia adalah di dalam hati kau yang kau dapat mengatasi Kejahatan, ia adalah di dalam hati kau yang kau harus buktikan bahawa kau layak untuk Tuhanku, dan hanyalah di dalam hati kau, bukannya di mata saudara-saudara kau yang kau adalah Baik di dalam setiap aspek kehidupan yang dikehendakiNya."

Aku mendongak kepalaku ke atas dan aku melihat Iblis menitiskan air mata untukku. Dia tahu yang aku sedang menuju ke arah yang salah. Dia tahu bagaimana aku menipu, menipu dan terus menipu untuk menyelamatkan air mukaku sendiri. Dia tahu bagaimana aku meninggalkan rakan-rakanku sendirian kerana aku tidak mahu bertanggung-jawab atas perbuatanku. Paling teruk sekali, dia tahu yang aku sedang hidup di dalam kehidupan yang penuh dengan rasa bersalah, sesalan dan kesedihan.

Dia bangun dari tempat duduknya dan menghulurkan tanggannya.

"Tidak mengapa wahai anakku. Kegagalan bukanlah suatu persoalan yang ditanya JIKA, tetapi BILA. Kau masih boleh memilih untuk bangun dan berubah. Kau masih mempunyai kurnian terhebat Tuhanku wahai anakku."

Aku menyambut tangannya dan berdiri. Aku mengesat air mataku yang mengalir di pipi dan mengambil nafas yang dalam sebelum mendongak menyambut pandangan.

"Bagitahu aku wahai anakku, apakah Kebaikan dan Kejahatan?

Dia tersenyum dan ketawa sedikit. Aku dapat melihat dengan jelas bahawa dia gembira kerana aku sanggup untuk menerima perubahan.

"Seperti yang aku terangkan sebelum ini, hanya terdapat 2 benda yang bersangkut-paut dengan Kebaikan dan Kejahatan. Pilihan dan Pengorbanan.  Memilih untuk menerima kurnian terhebat Tuhanku dan sanggup melepaskan apa yang kau sayang."

Dia cuba merenung ke dalam mataku seperti ingin mengintai jiwaku.

"Kebaikan adalah bila kau memilih untuk berkorban dan Kejahatan adalah bila kau mengorbankan keupayaan kau untuk memilih. Ia adalah ujian Tuhan untuk melihat sama ada kau layak untuk mendekatiNya atau sebaliknya."

Setelah mendengar apa yang dia perkatakan tadi dan menyedari perbezaan kepercayaan kami berdua, aku merasa seperti sesuatu yang aneh menjetik hatiku, aku merasa seperti ringan, suam dan......GEMBIRA. Sesuatu yang aku pernah rasa dahulu tapi tidak dapat untuk aku mengingati bila dan bagaimana. Aku tersenyum dan air mataku mengalir berlinangan di pipiku dan aku mula menyedari akan semua ini.

Banyak yang aku belajar dari semua ini. Ketika ini baru lah aku mengerti mungkin tidak ada alam selepas mati. Mungkin tidak ada Syurga dan Neraka. Aku tahu aku kedengaran seperti orang tidak beriman. Aku percaya bahawa adanya Allah yang satu. Tetapi perlukah kita mengharap ganjaran untuk kita mempercayai sesuatu pegangan? Tidak juga aku cakap kita tidak perlu mempercayai sesuatu kerana kita telah dianugerahkan kurniaan terhebat Allah iaitu Kebebasan Memilih. Kita perlu berada di posisi di mana kita harus memilih supaya kita dapat mengekspressi atau mempraktikkan kurniaan tersebut dan membentuk kehidupan yang kita mahukan untuk kita sendiri. Tanpa kepercayaan, sama lah kita seperti Iblis. Makhluk yang dikurniakan Allah Kebebasan Memilih, tetapi tidak mempunyai peluang untuk menggunakannya. Aku juga mendapati bahawa Kebahagian hanya boleh dicapai jika kita memilih untuk berkorban meskipun kita sedar yang tidak ada apa yang menanti kita di akhirnya.

Adakah aku salah untuk berfikiran seperti ini? Adakah aku akan dilakhnat oleh Allah? Adakah aku akan dapat kehidupan yang sengsara? Aku hanyalah manusia. Mempunyai akal fikiran dan perasaan. Aku hanya menghargai apa yang dikurniakan Allah kepadaku. Dia memberikan akal untuk aku berfikir. Sama lah aku dengan binatang jika aku tidak menggunakan pemberianNya kepadaku. Kejamlah aku untuk menolak sifat azaliku. Kejam adalah suatu yang dibenci oleh Allah. Jatuhlah aku di kalangan orang kafir. Hanya satu tempat yang layak untuk orang kafir. Neraka. Itu yang difahamkan saudara saudaraku yang lain terhadap diriku selama ini. Aku tidak pernah membuat atau memikirkan sesuatu yang lahir dari hatiku. Tidak ikhlas kerana aku membuatnya kerana mengharap ganjaran yang diberikan kepadaku. Ini membuatkan aku sedar bahawa seseorang manusia tidak boleh lari dari Takdir. Tidak kira betapa lajunya aku berlari dan betapa kuat aku cuba mengubahnya. Jika kau menolak takdir, samalah kau menolak Allah. Bergantung kepada diriku sendiri untuk memilih untuk menerimanya atau tidak. Itulah yang paling penting. Berkorban membuang segala apa yang aku tahu tentang Kepercayaanku, dan memilih untuk beriman dengan caraku. Menjadi seorang manusia yang ditakdirkan ke atasku.

"Dan wahai Anakku...."

"Kenapa kau sering merujuk aku sebagai anak kau?" Aku mencelah ketika dia sedang bercakap kerana aku berasakan ada sesuatu yang ganjil mengapa dia memanggilku sebagai anaknya. Belum sempat dia dapat menjawab pertanyaanku, seperti ada kuasa yang sangat kuat menarikku keluar dari bilik itu dengan tiba tiba. Aku terbang di ruangan udara dengan dengan kelajuan yang amat laju. Ketika aku hampir untuk bangun dari tidurku, aku seakan-akan nampak apa yang Iblis cuba untuk cakap kepadaku daripada jauh. Aku tak mendengar perkataannya, tetapi dari gerakan bibirnya, cukup untuk aku tahu apa yang dia cakapkan kepadaku...

Serta merta aku sedar dari tidurku dan mendapati yang aku berada di atas katilku. Bilik itu cerah dengan pancaran cahaya matahari dan bunyi jam locengku berdering bagai nak gila. Sebelum aku bangun, aku mencapai apa yang Iblis gelarkan sebagai Kitab yang Kebenarannya Dipilih. Aku membelek muka surat demi muka surat sehinggalah aku terjumpa ini:

“Pada hal mereka tidak diperintahkan melainkan supaya menyembah Allah  dengan mengikhlaskan ibadat kepada-Nya, lagi tetap teguh di atas tauhid; dan supaya mereka mendirikan sembahyang serta memberi zakat. Dan yang demikian itulah Agama yang benar." (Surah Al-Bayinah, Ayat 5)

Dari Amirul Mukminin Abu Hafsh, Umar bin Al-Khathab bin Nufail bin Abdul ‘Uzza bin Riah bin Abdullah bin Qurth bin Razah bin ‘Adi bin Ka’ab bin Luai bin Ghalib al-Qurasyi al-’Adawi radhiyallahu ‘anhu berkata:

“Aku mendengar Rasulullah SWT bersabda: “Segala amal itu tergantung niatnya, dan setiap orang hanya mendapatkan sesuai niatnya. Maka barang siapa yang hijrahnya kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya, maka hijrahnya itu kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya. Barang siapa yang hijrahnya itu Karena kesenangan dunia atau karena seorang wanita yang akan dikawininya, maka hijrahnya itu kepada apa yang ditujunya”.