Living like a Zombie

I just hate myself. I've always never taken everything seriously, and I've always somehow got by, but now I'm just realizing how much a screw up. I really am. I realize that I'm alone as people are out with their friends, and I realize how hard it is to talk to people because of my shyness. I realize everyone thinks of me as an outcast, and I just... I just realized now those things. I've always somehow known but now I feel trapped in this body which has so many things wrong with it. Now, even when I am out with my friends, I have nothing to say. I just want to yell at the world, to God or whatever is out there if he is or is just a figment of my imagination, and to my parents, and my whole existence. I just realized I have no real meaning, and an embarrassment to the whole society of humanity. I honestly feel that I have no purpose in this life. 

I know I sounded ungrateful. There are some of my friends that tried to cheer me up. They said to set a goal in life. Have as much fun as possible. Choose to continue to be alive and might as well try to enjoy my life. That's a problem for me. For me, pretending to be happy and yet really being miserable isn't living a life. Life is suppose to be bright and happy, not this. Life is suppose to be that glimpse moment at the end of your life where you realize you don't want to die. Right now, in this thing of breathing yet no hope, I have urges to let go and really be the undead. I of course don't want to miss any of my friend's upcoming birthdays, so I'll just try to live for another week or something. There is nothing that I had learnt throughout my life that have prepared myself for this moment. 

Yes, I know LIFE is more than be born and die. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. I keep saying that to myself, but I just think that I had enough of Life. I have lived out my life. I have grabbed all I could grab. Now I need to fall. Probably there are more to grab. I probably could. I just think I don't want to. There is always a reason to live, to breathe, to be happy, and I probably could find all those things but I think I don't want to anymore. I bet if I got up off my couch and walked out the door, I could find a million pieces of hope, inspiration, and wanting to breathe but I don't think I desire life anymore, and its crazy journeys. I just am on the edge of insanity, sadness and being alive.

Happiness, it is said, is seldom found by those who seek it, and never by those who seek it for themselves. To those who found happiness or a purpose in life, good for you. This is coming from a kid with many dark moods, going to school, in a small dorm of darkness, and really having no idea what to do with himself, his feelings, his talents, his flaws, and who he really is. Its good you've planned everything and really know what your going to do in life. Me on the other time uh... its a mystery worth knowing yet may never truly know. To me, I will always be a mystery, and my direction will always never be clear.

I'm really stupid today, but that doesn't make these any less nonsense. Am I high right now? I'm beginning to think people around me are messing with me, but truth is I'm really tired to care. You might think that I'm writing horsehit and probably going through a phase or whatever. Please don't want to hear more. I've messed up like ninety percent on this post, I can do this all day. Okay, now I bet I'm high. High on acid, of life. It is not really my intention to bringing any negativity thoughts in this post. I'm just expressing my feelings and thoughts, makes me feel like I'm in control of my self-mind. I couldn't afford to be in an office and sit on fancy chair while telling all my problems to some old guy. Okay, let close things off shall we? And before that;

O Death! 

Beautiful yet misunderstood being,

Come forth, take my soul and lead me to down below,

For I am fully aware where I'll be heading for this,

I have no regrets whatsoever on things I've done,

Let those be memories to my loved ones,

Cause I'm always going to be yours for Eternity.